


Golden Hours

by minnesotamemelord



Series: In My Life [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Age Difference, Arguing, Bad Spanish, Betrayal, Bisexuality, Catholic Character, Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Cheating, Christianity, Crisis of Faith, Dating, Day drinking, Death Threats, Drinking to Cope, Episode: s17e23 Heartfelt Passages, Español | Spanish, Established Relationship, Family Drama, Gay, Gay Male Character, Handcuffs, Height Differences, Hostage Situations, I Tried, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insecurity, Jealousy, LGBTQ Character, Loss of Faith, M/M, May/December Relationship, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Poor Life Choices, Post-Episode: s17e23 Heartfelt Passages, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Roman Catholicism, Sexual Assault, Triggers, power bottom barba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-06-25 12:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15640917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minnesotamemelord/pseuds/minnesotamemelord
Summary: Sonny and Rafael have a lot to be thankful for. Neither one appreciates anything more than they appreciate each other, however, despite how hard it is to show it sometimes. When the death threats start coming, and actual violence threatens both of their lives, the DA's office steps in, introducing their newest (and debatably most attractive) ADA, and Barba's (temporary) replacement. Will his arrival shove a wedge into Sonny and Barba's relationship? Or will an inevitable disaster break them apart first?Part three of the series is out now!





	1. A Hard Day's Night

The light was on in Barba's office, which meant one of two things. Either he had gotten distracted and, for the first time in his five years working there, had left it on, or he was about to be in deep trouble. Reluctantly, he beckoned his security detail and rode the elevator up to the third floor, willing time to stop before he screwed himself over even more. He had two officers tailing him constantly, ones that Olivia had vetted thoroughly. He still didn't trust them as much as he trusted the rest of the squad, but he wasn't about to take any of them away from their jobs as much as he already had. The office was empty, for the most part, except for maybe one other person working late. Carmen's desk was long empty, although she had left a file with a Post-It note reminding him that he had to call SVU in the morning and get an update on the threats that had been arriving by text, call, email, and good-old-fashioned American Post Office delivery for months. 

Speaking of SVU, his office door was open, and he didn't even have to peek between the blinds to know who it was. In his mind, he could already see long legs stretched out from a plush leather chair, in front of the gas fireplace that he'd had put in after discovering that it was a 'fire hazard' to light a fire in the original wood fireplace. A thick, green leather-backed book would be spread across his lap, his slender fingers absentmindedly flipping the pages, despite knowing all the material like the back of his hand, a loose strand of graying brown hair hanging in his jade-green eyes. Sure enough, that's how Rafael found Sonny sitting in his office. Without a word, he dropped his briefcase and came up behind Sonny, leaning down to plant a kiss at his hairline.

"Why are you still studying? You already passed the bar, and besides, it's late." Rafael reached for the decanter of whiskey on a side table and poured two glasses as Sonny shrugged and took one of the glasses.

"It's interesting. Plus, you were at court so late. What were you even doing?"

"I had to meet with the DA," Rafael groaned, slipping out of his jacket and flopping down in the chair opposite Sonny. "He's 'reducing my caseload until the situation resolves itself.' Direct quote."

"Wait, so you still have your job, right?" Concern furrowed Sonny's brows as he finished his whiskey.

"Yes, but he's bringing in a new ADA from the Bronx to take over some of my cases. Just temporarily. Hopefully."

"I'm so sorry, Raf. But from what Liv told me, they've got Heredio put away. For a long time. And they're getting real close to getting him to tell them who paid him to threaten you. We're going to protect you, promise. Eventually, the threats'll stop, and-"

"I know, I know. For now, I just want to go home and work on the cases I do have. And I'd like it to be just you and me, but I have to take Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum over there with me. Their conversation skills are limited to offensive jokes and what they call 'the illegals,' as in illegal immigrants. I want to fling myself into the freakin' sun."

"Oh God, that bad? I can ask Benson to change them. They're good cops, though. They'll keep you safe."

"I know that, but isn't that the point of having a cop for a boyfriend?" Rafael reached over to hold Sonny's hand, rubbing his thumb across Sonny's knuckles.

"I don't think Liv would be on board with that. Plus, if that's the only reason I'm your boyfriend, then I can go..." Sonny stood up jokingly and Rafael tugged on his hand, pulling him down to meet his lips in a soft but enthusiastic kiss.

"That's not the only reason. I also love your cooking."

"Oh, shut up." Sonny kissed Rafael again and they finished their whiskey. Rafael picked up his jacket and briefcase while Sonny slid his book back on the shelf. "Come on, Kenny hasn't been walked yet today and I need sleep because I live with a goddamned nocturnal creature."

"Well, I live with someone who doesn't need coffee to wake up, which is clearly witchcraft, so we're even. And Kenny did get walked, I talked my mother into doing it."

"I love your mom."

"I do too, now let's go home."

 

Technically, Sonny and Rafael had only lived together for a month, but in the near seven months they'd been dating, the first two had been spent together in Sonny's apartment while his broken bones healed. After that, one of them spent most nights at the other's apartment. At one point, they gave up on shifting back and forth, and started renting an apartment in Little Italy. They'd hardly unpacked, just the immediate necessities: bedsheets, towels, the coffee maker. They didn't even have a sofa yet. And yet, Sonny's heart soared every time he pushed open the door to see the stacks of cardboard boxes everywhere, labelled with either his own neat print or Barba's messy scrawl. They draped their jackets over the nearest stack of boxes, labelled 'POTS & PANS'. Barba set down the stack of mail he had picked up from downstairs. He shuffled through it, but Sonny pulled them out of his hands.

"This is the last thing you need to read before bed. You can go through them in the morning." Sonny rubbed his eyes. He looked tired, older. Almost Barba's age. "I still don't get who's doing this. I get that the CO union's pissed, but these aren't all from COs. These are just people, and they're threatening to..." Sonny paused as he ripped open the nearest unmarked envelope and read aloud. "'I'm going to gouge your eyes out and dump you in an alley with the rats and cockroaches, you'll be right at home.' And that's one of the less awful ones. Aren't you worried?"

"Of course I'm worried, but I'm not going to become a recluse."

"I know, and I don't want that, but I just...I don't want..." Sonny sat down at the counter and put his face in his hands. Rafael rubbed his back soothingly.

"You don't want the same thing to happen to me that happened to you. And it won't. I have security-"

"I had security too, and Jon took them out no problem! Heredio proved to us, this isn't hypothetical! You are in real danger, Raf. And as much as I'd like to think I could, I can't necessarily protect you. My leg still isn't all the way back, and I can't be with you all the time."

"I know you can't, and you don't need to. Really, Sonny, I can handle myself. I've been handling it for almost eight months."

"You don't have to anymore! That's the whole point of this. I'm here for you."

"I know you are. And I appreciate it. And it's all going to be fine. If Benson trusts these guys," he jerked his head towards the door, where the pair of officers were waiting outside, "that's good enough for me. Is it enough for you?" Carisi clenched his jaw for a minute, then relaxed, nodding.

"For now, yeah. I'm sorry, Raf, I just can't stand the idea of this crap happening again."

"I know, I know." Kenny trotted in out of the bedroom and dashed around their legs, his tongue lolling wildly. "I think he wants to go to bed."

"Me too." Sonny yawned, as if to prove his point.

 

They lay in bed as they usually did, Sonny on the left and Rafael on the right, with Kenny tucked under the covers between them.

"Hey," Sonny whispered to Rafael, whose eyes were closed, but cracked open at the sound of his voice.

"What?"

"I love you." The corners of Rafael's mouth quirked up into a tiny grin.

"I love you too, Sonny. Get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day for the both of us."


	2. Replaced

If it hadn't been for the six alarms, set at five-minute intervals starting at 7:30, on the alarm clock with no snooze button, Rafael would probably sleep until noon every single day. Instead, he woke up groggy, irritated, and prone to lack-of-coffee-induced outbursts. Lucky for him, Sonny woke up at 7:00 every day, including weekends, so the coffee was made and the shower was empty by the time Rafael woke up. So he was not particularly excited to drag himself out of bed for a job he was hardly allowed to do anymore.

Sonny was already sitting at the kitchen counter, eyes glued to the tiny television on the opposite counter. Wordlessly, he slid the half-full coffee pot and Rafael's favorite mug (stainless steel with the words "DON'T MAKE ME USE MY DISTRICT ATTORNEY VOICE" printed on it, a birthday gift from Sonny) across the counter, never once looking away from the TV.

"What are you-" Rafael was interrupted by Sonny, who shushed him loudly and pointed to the screen. A reporter was already standing outside 1 Hogan Place, a microphone clenched in one hand. He only caught the last half of her sentence.

"-the DA's office's newest addition, Mr. Sebastian Ruiz, who was transferred to Manhattan from the Bronx earlier this week. Mr. Ruiz!" The camera jostled as the reporter lunged forward, trying to intercept a man in a long leather coat.

"Mr. Ruiz! Why did you leave the Bronx?" Rather than look surprised or irritated, like most people did with a microphone shoved in their face at 7:15 in the morning, Sebastian wore an easy, confident grin, white teeth sparkling under copper-toned cheeks and cropped jet-black hair.

"The Manhattan DA needed a little extra help for a few weeks, and I offered my help. It's just temporary. If you don't mind, though, I'd like to get an early start on my first day." With that, he pushed past her and into the building. Rafael scoffed and sat down next to Sonny.

"So, that's my replacement. At least I'll be survived by someone younger and better-looking."

"Cool it with the existentialism, Nietzsche. You still have your job. And besides," Sonny teased, standing up to kiss the top of Rafael's head. "You're much better looking than he is."

"Go. Do your job. Find the ass that hired Heredio and sent me these, and then neither of us will have to worry about that Adonis stealing my job." Sonny frowned in mock hurt.

"You don't think he's more attractive than me, though, right?" Rafael slid a hand around the back of Sonny's neck and pulled him down, kissing him warmly.

"Nobody's more attractive than you, _mi amado."_  Sonny grinned widely and winked, then left, closing the door gently behind him. As soon as he was gone, Rafael turned the TV off and got dressed in his best work suit, tailored navy cashmere and a white shirt, grey and white polka-dot tie. He was not about to be one-upped by someone who wore what was blatantly a ploy to gain respect, the unsophisticated, not to mention artless, red 'power tie.'

"Come on." He motioned for the two officers sitting outside his apartment, playing rummy, no less, to follow. They scrambled to their feet and dashed after him.

"You know, Counselor, it would make our jobs a hell of a lot easier if you'd actually leave with Detective Carisi."

"My job isn't to make your lives easier. It is, actually, your job to make my life easier. So I'm going to continue to leave at the time I leave, and I'm sure Lieutenant Benson would appreciate it if you actually did your jobs instead of playing card games for quarters." Barba held the elevator door open with his briefcase and quirked an eyebrow at the two officers. "Are you coming?"

 

 Carmen was already pacing outside Rafael's office by the time he and his security arrived. She handed him the coffee she was holding, pushing him back when he tried to open the door.

"Mr. Wilde is already in there. With Sebastian Ruiz. The-"

"My replacement. Wonderful." Barba pushed into the room and slipped between the two men already in there. "What can I do for you, Mr. Wilde?"

"This is Sebastian Ruiz, he-"

"I know who he is." Rafael leaned across the desk to shake Ruiz's hand.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Barba, although I wish it were under better circumstances."

"You mean better circumstances than you replacing me?" Ruiz chuckled ruefully.

"I was, ah, hoping to phrase it better. And I don't intend to replace you. I'm just helping out until the threat is eliminated." Barba directed his glare at DA Wilde.

"You told him?"

"Yes, I told him. He has a right to know why we brought him in." Rafael fumed silently, then forced a tight smile.

"Fine. So, do I get to keep my office, or am I back out in the bullpen?" Wilde narrowed his eyes.

"You'd do best to lose the attitude, Barba. I put up with it because you're a damn good prosecutor, but I have no such obligation right now." Barba fell silent.

"I'll let you catch Mr. Ruiz up." Wilde gave Barba one final scowl and left the room.

"Is he always like that?" Ruiz asked, sitting in one of the chairs opposite the desk. Barba shrugged.

"For better or for worse. But I'm not worried. He knows if he fires me, I'll sue, and Scott Wilde is terrified of lawsuits. Several problems with several ex-wives." Ruiz snickered.

"Funny. I like funny." Rafael said nothing, just glanced sideways at Ruiz as he sat down, sliding a stack of files across the desk.

"All of the cases I'm no longer allowed to touch, until the asshole who threatened to push me down the courthouse steps and crack open my skull gives up the name of whoever paid him to threaten me."

"Still nothing? That guy's holding strong. Whoever paid him must have given him some kind of cash to shut up."

"Yeah. Not that it'll do him much good doing ten-to-twenty five in Rikers."

"True. So, Mr. Barba, what did a man like you do to get a job like this?"

"Unimportant. I'm just here to fill you in on these cases."

"Actually, I believe that it's very challenging to work with someone if you don't know anything about them."

"Well, I don't talk about my personal life at work."

"How about at a bar? How about a drink after work?"

"Fine, but I get to pick the bar." They stared at each other for nearly a minute, then Ruiz broke into a wide grin. It was the kind of smile that was so utterly contagious, all blindingly white teeth and remarkably deep dimples. His eyes were pools of honey under long black lashes, almost resembling the coffee he was so fond of. Very much the opposite of Sonny's baby blues. The thought of Sonny snapped him back to reality. "Anyway, back to the topic at hand." He gestured at the files. "Most of those cases are in their beginning stages, so you'll be able to get updated by the SVU detectives on the evidence."

"So I'll just go do that." Ruiz stood up and shook Barba's hand. "Thank you for the update. And thank you in advance for the drink."

"Excuse me, you're the one who offered the drink."

"Right." Ruiz cracked another smile and left the office. Rafael glanced over at the framed photo on his desk. It was of Sonny, who had a massive smile on his face and Kenny curled in his lap. Instead of a suit and tie, he was wearing a hoodie, jean jacket, and skinny chinos, and his thumbs were tucked under Kenny's stubby legs. He'd passed his camera off to Rafael for ten seconds so he could re-leash the corgi, but it was what Sonny referred to as 'magic hour' (he'd talked like a professional photographer ever since Rollins had given him the camera for SVU Secret Santa), and in that second, it really had been just like magic. Sonny was magic to him. He just had to think about that.

 

Ruiz was already at Forlini's when Rafael finally dragged his security detail out of the office, nursing a French 75.

"You know, I don't ever think I've seen someone actually drink one of those before."

"Hello to you too. And for your information, these are delicious. A very efficient method of intoxication."

"I prefer whiskey."

"Whiskey it is." Ruiz flagged down the bartender. "Whiskey on the rocks for my friend here."

"Thanks, Anthony."

"So, why this place?" Ruiz gestured around the bar, taking in the framed paintings and red leather booths.

"I found this place almost twenty years ago with a friend of mine. It's got a nice atmosphere, the drinks aren't very expensive, it's almost never crowded, and we were too tired to look for any more bars. I'd say now I'm one of Anthony's favorite regulars, right?" Anthony smirked.

"I plead the fifth, Counselor. Plus, my _actual_ favorite regulars just came in." Rafael swiveled in his stool just in time to see the entire NYPD Special Victims Unit file in through the door. Sonny's face brightened when he saw the lawyer, only dimming slightly when he saw Ruiz sitting next to him. They all slid into the stools on the other side of Barba. Before anyone could speak, Anthony set a drink down in front of each of them. Red wine for Olivia, a beer for Rollins, gin and tonic for Sonny, and a Diet Coke for Fin.

"Designated driver," he explained, "although nobody's actually driving, so it's more like designated Uber caller."

A warm blush crept over Barba's face as he turned back to Ruiz.

"This is the Special Victims Unit you'll be working with. Meet Lieutenant Olivia Benson," he pointed at each of them in turn, "Detective Fin Tutuola, Detective Amanda Rollins, and Detective Dominick Carisi. My," he swallowed hard, bracing for impact. "My boyfriend." To his credit, Ruiz masked any surprise he may have had.

"I see. Nice to meet you all." He reached across Rafael to shake Carisi's hand.

"Call me Sonny."

"Sure."

"Guys, this is Bronx ADA Sebastian Ruiz. My-"

"I swear to god, if you say replacement one more freakin' time, I'm throwing out your tie collection." Sonny playfully swatted the back of Rafael's head.

"You wouldn't dare."

"So, Barba-"

 _"Por favor,_ if we're going to be working so closely for the next while, call me Rafael."

_"Si yo llamo te Rafael, tù debes llamar me Sebastian."_

As Barba and Ruiz conversed in rapid Spanish, Sonny leaned over to Olivia.

"Hey, Lieu, has Barba ever asked anyone to call him Rafael on the first day they met before?" Olivia shrugged.

"Not that I can think of, but it looks like they hit it off. It's good. He needs more non-SVU friends."

"Yeah, I- I guess." Sonny sipped at his drink. "Look, I should- I should get home. Kenny needs a walk. I'll see you all tomorrow." Sonny dropped a $5 bill on the bar and kissed Rafael on the cheek, making prolonged eye contact with Sebastian as his whispered, "I'll see you at home, _mi amor. Adios, Señor Ruiz. Nos vemos."_

As he left, Sebastian turned to Rafael, his eyes twinkling.

"Is he always like that? Because, I gotta tell you, someone who's that jealous all the time would really get on my nerves." Rafael smiled weakly and stifled his urge to punch Sebastian for that backhanded comment. Instead, he just stared forward, pensively sipping his drink.

"No, he's not. And that's why I love him. Even when he is like that."

 

Back at their apartment, Kenny watched as Sonny paced, muttering angrily to himself. His leash was on, and he was waiting patiently by the door when Sonny got a text saying Rafael would _'be home in an hour or two. love you.'_ And so, Sonny had been pacing ever since, the words 'son of a bitch' and 'two-faced son of a bitch' and _'hijo de puta'_ occasionally coming out louder than expected. Eventually, as with all of Sonny's outbursts, he ran out of steam. 

"Come on, K. Let's go." He tugged Kenny down the elevator and out onto the street. The street was a blur of colored flashes against the flat black sky. Fortunately, Little Italy wasn't overly crowded most nights, so there was enough space to let Kenny go off-leash. About half the time when Kenny was let off his leash, he took off running and Sonny had to sprint after him. This was not one of those nights. Kenny trotted along right beside Sonny, his little legs moving as fast as they could just to keep up with Sonny's slow saunter. They had hardly made it two blocks before Sonny's phone buzzed. Benson.

"Detective Car-"

"Sonny, we're at the hospital-"

"The hospital? what happened?!"

"We were walking to the subway- I didn't even see it happen. Neither did his guards. He just dropped."

"Liv, what happened?!"

"It's Rafael. He's been shot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao sorry for not updating as much as usual band has been kicking my ass these past few weeks but I'm getting back into it.


	3. Shattered

Time passed in a blur after Sonny got the call. He hailed the nearest cab, jumping in the backseat with Kenny's leash clenched in his white-knuckled fist.

"Bellevue Hospital. Now!" To his credit, the cabbie was at least 5 mph over the speed limit the entire way there and was weaving in and out of the traffic like a stunt driver, but in Sonny's mind, even if he could teleport, there was no way to get to the hospital fast enough. His chest was so tight he thought he might be having an actual heart attack. When they pulled up outside the ER, Sonny sprinted in, Kenny wrapped in his arms.

"Excuse me, sir, but you can't have that dog in here." A nurse stopped him, taking in his alarmed expression and constant fidgeting.

"Oh, I- uh- I was walking him when- when I got the call, and I- I just-"

"It's fine, sir. Give him here." She held out her arms, and Sonny plopped Kenny into them, then wrapped his own arms around his torso.

"There was a- uh- a gunshot vic who must have come in a few minutes ago, do you know-"

"He's in surgery, but the folks who came in with him are in the waiting room over there." She pointed him in the right direction.

"Thank you." He hurried off. True enough, the group that Sonny had left Rafael with, including Russo and McKinley, the detectives assigned to Rafael's detail, and who Sonny was trying, to the best of his abilities, not to beat the living hell out of, were sitting or standing in the waiting room. Benson was in front of them, pacing with a phone to her ear. When she spotted Sonny, she finished speaking and hung up.

"Carisi." A comforting hand squeezed his shoulder, and he smiled weakly.

"Hey, Liv. Do you know anything yet?"

"He was shot from above. Someone on the roof of one of the buildings. It went through the back of his shoulder and came out the front. It doesn't look like it hit any major arteries or nerve clusters. We still have to wait and see, though."

"Oh my God. Oh my God." Sonny dropped his face in his hands, then almost immediately snapped back up. "Did you call his mother?"

"I just got off the phone with her. She's in Miami, but she's going to catch the next flight up here. Did you call your family?"

"I will when he gets out of surgery. I want to see how bad it is first. Did you at least get the person who did this?"

"No. Russo and Rollins went up to see what they could find, but the shooter was already gone. We're testing DNA from the gun now."

"So..." Sonny looked around the mostly-empty waiting room. Aside from himself and Benson, he saw Russo and McKinley, joking quietly by a water cooler, Fin napping in his chair, and Rollins talking to...Ruiz." Sonny grinned sourly.

"Counselor, you're still here." Ruiz rolled his eyes minutely.

"Yes, I am. Because unlike you, I was still with your boyfriend when he was shot. I was trying to make sure he got home safely." The smile dropped off Sonny's face.

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused."

"What the hell are you trying to say? I love my boyfriend, and I would do anything to protect him. But it wouldn't matter if I'd been there or not. I can't stop a shot from above any better than you can, and I resent your implication." Sebastian clenched his jaw, but forced a friendly grin.

"I'm sorry. You're right. And hey, in the spirit of friendship, why don't I get everyone some coffee?" Sonny shook his head.

"I'm good, thanks."

 

They all sat in silence for almost three hours before a doctor joined them.

"Are you here for Rafael Barba?"

"We-"

"Yes, we are." Sebastian stood, interrupting. Sonny scowled.

"He's out of surgery. He's not awake yet. And his room is small, so probably only two people at a time would be best.

"I can-" But this time, it was Sonny's turn to interrupt Sebastian.

"The lieutenant and I should go." He and Olivia followed the doctor down the hall and into a dimly lit room. When he saw the body in the bed, Sonny sucked in a sharp breath. Like this, alone and asleep, bandages wrapped around his right shoulder, his hair in disarray, he didn't look like his usual self. There was no fierce intelligence in his eyes, no keen resolve in his stature. Just...vulnerability. He looked delicate, like even a soft breeze could shatter him into a thousand pieces.

"Jesus." The doctor left them alone, and as soon as the door was closed, Sonny collapsed into the chair next to the bed. "Jesus, I can't believe this."

"Neither can I." Olivia sat on the other side of the bed, her brow furrowed.

"Look, Olivia, it's probably going to be awhile. Do you mind if I-"

"Go ahead." Sonny held Rafael's hand in both of his, bowing his head over him, his lips moving silently to ask a favor of a God he wasn't quite sure he believed in. If there was a God, how could his first real love be shot?

How could he have to go through the same thing Rafael went through not even a year ago?

How could a mother not speak to her son for eight months?

 

Sonny woke to fingers twitching against his cheek. His eyes fluttered open, and he jerked his head upwards.

"Thank you. You were cutting off circulation to my hand." Sonny's eyes welled up, and he lifted Rafael's hand, pressing it gently to his lips.

"Oh my God, Raf, I was so scared. God, I just- I can't-"

"Shh, shh. _Calmate."_ Rafael lifted his other hand to graze the side of Sonny's face, his thumb brushing over Sonny's lips. "I'm fine. It's just my shoulder. Dodds recovered from the same injury in less than six weeks." At this, tears started to stream down Sonny's face. "Oh, damnit. I shouldn't have said that."

Sonny sniffled and wiped his eyes.

"S'okay. Just a little bit of a sore spot, still."

Olivia was gone, probably for coffee or to give an update to Rollins and Fin. And Ruiz, assuming he was still here.

"Is this a good time?" Sonny jumped as the doctor from before poked his head into the room.

"Yes, it is. Give me the news, Doctor."

"Well, as you know, the bullet went through your right shoulder. Fortunately, it missed any major arteries and nerve clusters, so with physical therapy, you should have the full use of your arm back within four to six weeks."

"But I have to wear this sling until then?"

"For a week or two, yes. But, on the upside, you can go home tomorrow, assuming there are no complications." Rafael groaned and sunk lower into his pillow.

"Hey, you'll be fine."

"Yeah, whatever." Rather than offer another reply, Sonny turned to the doctor.

"Can I bring in the rest of our friends?"

"Yes, of course. I'll leave you to it." Almost as soon as the doctor left the room, Amanda and Fin appeared in the doorway, followed by Olivia and, to Sonny's chagrin, Sebastian. Barba managed a thin smile as he pushed himself up with his good arm, although it looked more like a grimace.

"Jesus, Barba. You look like hell." Fin was the first to speak.

"Thank you, Detective. I'm aware. Does anyone else have any painfully obvious comments to make?"

"Just that we're all glad you're okay, Counselor. It would've been a shame to lose you. Especially if it meant we'd be stuck with this guy." Rollins jerked a thumb at Ruiz, who smiled good-naturedly.

"She's right. It would have been quite a shame to lose such a great ADA." Sebastian put a broad hand on Rafael's shoulder. Rafael saw Sonny's jaw twitch. It was a tic he recognized well, considering that it happened every time he interrogated a suspect in an especially horrific case, or every time he caught a glimpse of his mother at their annual Sunday night dinners (which Rafael was occasionally invited to), or whenever opposing counsel made a personal jab at a clearly distressed witness. It only happened whenever Sonny was really, _truly_ angry. Why he was angry right now, Rafael didn't know. But he was willing to bet it had something to do with Sebastian.

They stayed in his room for a while, cracking jokes and promising to find whoever was responsible. About an hour and a half later, the doctor and a pair of nurses joined them, practically shoving Sonny and Olivia out the door, promising they could come back as soon as they finished running tests.

"It's fine, I should go relieve that nurse of Kenny anyways." Olivia smiled at Sonny, and patted his shoulder.

"He's going to be fine."

"I know."

"I know you know, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when bad things happen to people we love."

 

Sonny found the nurse that had taken Kenny earlier, and she led him back to a staff lounge, where Kenny seemed to be the center of attention, being doted upon by off-duty doctors and nurses alike. When he took the dog outside, he found the leash hard to hold, because his hands shook so badly. So, he stopped at a bodega, and bought his first pack of cigarettes in five years. He had never been a pack-a-day smoker, but he'd smoked from the age of fifteen, only to finally quit when he turned thirty-three. He only really smoked when he was stressed, and he was nothing right now if not the most stressed he'd ever been.

"You shouldn't smoke, you know. It's bad for you." Sonny whirled around.

"You followin' me, Rollins?"

"I wanted to make sure you're okay. I know this is hard on Barba, but it's gotta be hard on you too. As advertised by the smoking."

"I'm fine."

"Really? Because you don't seem fine. There was that whole thing with Ruiz yesterday, and-" Rollins froze when she saw the distaste clearly written on Carisi's face. "What's your problem with him, Carisi? He seems like a perfectly nice guy."

"Seems being the key word."

"Oh. My. God. Carisi, are you jealous?"

"What? No." But Rollins, who considered herself an expert in reading body language, saw him tug at his tie, loosening it as he took a step back.

"Come on, Carisi, don't lie to me. I'd like to think we know each other pretty well by now. You basically cook me dinner twice a week. And as for your jealousy problem, you really shouldn't be. It's pretty obvious how much he loves you."

"Is it? Because I find myself noticing it less and less."

"Sonny, please. Here, why don't you come with me? You and Kenny can hang out with Frannie and Jesse. And you can make breakfast. I'm starving." Carisi cracked a smile despite himself.

"How does spinach and sausage frittata sound?"

"I've never eaten anything of yours I didn't like." Sonny felt his friend's hand slide into his, her tiny palm warm against his. She leaned against him, neither one speaking. And yet, everything that needed to be said was clear. 


	4. So Long, Sunshine

Sonny spent the morning at Amanda's apartment. He couldn't stand the idea of sleeping in their bed all by himself, and besides, Rollins always appreciated help with Jesse, and nobody could deny that Sonny was the best with kids.

"You think you and Barba will ever have kids of your own?" Asked Amanda. Sonny, taken aback by the comment, almost dropped the bottle he had wedged in Jesse's mouth. When he recovered, he shrugged, not meeting her eyes.

"I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. A month ago, I would have said yes, absolutely, but..."

"Good lord, Carisi, you're really letting this guy get to you. Don't. Trust me, getting jealous over nothing just makes everything harder for you."

"Probably. I should get back to the hospital. Thanks for letting me stay over."

"Not a problem. Especially when you leave as much leftover as you did." They hugged quickly and Sonny grabbed Kenny's leash, leading him out the door and onto the street.

"You have to stay at home, okay, buddy?" Kenny wagged his tail. "Good boy." They walked back to Little Italy and Sonny brought Kenny back up to their still-empty apartment (a fact that should not have surprised him, but did for some reason). He then caught the subway and walked the rest of the way to the hospital. In Rafael's room, Olivia was still there, leaned back in her chair, snoring softly. Rafael saw Sonny come in and motioned for him to be quiet.

"She's been here all morning," he whispered, his eyes sparkling as he looked over at her. "She's a really good friend."

"Yeah, she is. How're you doing?" Rafael shrugged.

"As well as can be expected." He winced as if to prove his point. "The doctor said he'd come by with the discharge papers around nine."

"Everyone else went home?"

"Rollins and Fin left just after you did."

"And Sebastian?" Rafael took in the tense muscles in Sonny's neck and jaw, the agitation in his frosty green eyes.

"He left a few hours ago. Hey, what's going on with you? Every time you're in the same room as him, you get so angry."

"I'm not angry. Not at all."

"Then what is it?"

"It's just that-" Before he could answer, the door opened and the doctor pushed in, clipboard in hand.

"Mr. Barba, any new problems in the last few hours?"

"None."

"Then you're free to go." Barba quickly signed his name on the clipboard. The nurse with him handed Rafael his clothes and they left the room. Rafael wriggled into his pants and struggled to pull his hospital gown over his head with his one good arm.

"Can I...?" Sonny nodded and untied the back of the gown. He flinched when he saw the red-stained bandages wrapped around Rafael's shoulder. "Hey. I'm okay. Just because someone tried to shoot me-"

"Someone _did_ shoot you, Raf! This is a bullet hole! Just because it didn't cause any major damage doesn't mean it wasn't horrible and dangerous. Forgive me if I'm still a little sensitive about death threats, sweetheart." Sonny knit his brows as Rafael stifled a laugh. "What is so funny about that?"

"Nothing, just..." Rafael snorted. "You called me sweetheart. You've never done that." Sonny rolled his eyes, but cracked a smile.

"Shut up. Sweetheart." He helped Rafael slide his arms into his sleeves and buttoned the shirt, then helped him get his arm into the sling. "Should we wake up Liv?" Rafael nodded and stood, shaking Olivia's shoulder gently.

"Liv. Liv, wake up." Her eyes fluttered open, and she jumped to her feet.

"Oh! I didn't realize you'd been discharged." She smiled softly. "How're you feeling?"

"You know. Like I've been shot in the shoulder."

"A joke. Are you sure there's not something wrong with you?"

"Very funny, Liv, but yes, I'm sure. All I want to do is get back to normal."

"Whoa, Raf, slow down. You got shot yesterday. You should at least take the day off." Rafael groaned.

"I know you're right, but I really don't want you to be."

"That's the spirit. Come on, let's go find Russo and McKinley and get you home. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"Carisi, you don't have to come in today. I'll understand if you want to take the day and-"

"No, Liv, I'm coming in. Assuming you'll be fine on your own, Raf?"

"Yes, I'll be okay. Russo and McKinley aren't...totally incompetent."

"High praise coming from you. But you're going to start wearing a bulletproof vest every time you leave the apartment. And maybe inside the apartment. And near any and all windows," Sonny mused.

"Yes, Mom." Rafael mocked, standing on his tiptoes to kiss Sonny's cheek. "You go with Olivia. I can get a ride with Russo and McKinley. Don't work late tonight, okay? I deserve lots and lots of Italian food after this."

"You got that right. We'll walk you out." They woke up Russo and McKinley, who had both fallen asleep in the chairs outside the room, and made their way out to the ER parking lot. "Be careful. Promise me."

"I promise I will not get shot again."

"Too soon." But Sonny kissed him goodbye anyway, feeling Rafael's fingers curl against his cheek. He broke away all too soon, waving goodbye with as much of a smile as he could muster. When they were out of view, he collapsed against Olivia, who wrapped her arms around his heaving shoulders. Her hands swept in long strokes from the base of his neck to the small of his back, quieting his sobs. When there were no tears left to cry, Sonny pulled back, wiping his eyes and chuckling softly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just-"

"I know. Are you sure you're up for work today?"

"I'm sure. Let's go. I want to find out who did this."

 

A stunned Rollins greeted Carisi and Benson at the precinct when they arrived.

"Hey, Carisi, not that I'm not glad to see you, but are you sure you should be here?"

"Yeah, Rollins, I'm fine. What do we know about the guy that shot Barba?"

"We're still waiting on DNA and prints. I was just about to go to Rikers, see if Heredio knows anything."

"I'm coming with you." Rollins laughed sardonically.

"No, you're not. You're too close to this. Fin's coming with me."

"Rollins, this isn't up for discussion. I'm going to find out who did this." Sonny folded his arms and stared Rollins down. Despite the fact that she was several inches shorter than him, her cold blue eyes held the same amount of intimidation his did. She didn't have his determination, though.

"Fine. But the second things start to get personal, I finish the interrogation on my own. Do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, Mandy."

"Don't call me Mandy."

"Yes, sir." For a brief instant, Sonny forgot about the shooting, about the threats, about the dark cloud that hung over him. And then they hopped in the squad car, and he remembered. He stayed silent as they drove to the prison, his mind clouded with images of bloody pavement and those dark eyes, both the ones he loved and the ones he feared would take them away. He snapped out of it at the sound of Amanda's voice.

"We're here." Her voice was choked and rigid, like it was being forced out of her. Once they bypassed security, they sat in the visiting room. Carisi's fingers twitched and his leg bounced. Rollins put a gentle hand on top of his, steadying it. Quietly, she squeezed it, letting go only when the door opened and a guard marched Heredio into the room. He sat down across from the detectives, his hands folded in their chains.

"What do you want?" He asked gruffly, a hostile sneer on his face.

"Somebody shot the ADA you were paid to threaten. We think you know who it is." Heredio laughed bitterly.

"I don't. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you _gringuitos._ Besides, if somebody shot that _maricón,_ he deserved it." Carisi's jaw twitched. "But hey, you two are screwing, right? So you're extra desperate to find out who did this. Too bad your _puto's_ gonna be gone before you do." It was then that Sonny nearly lost it. His fingernails dug red crescent moons into his palms, and he fought down the stream of insults he was itching to unleash.

"Look, maybe we can work out a deal, get your sentence decreased, but only if you tell us who did this." Rollins looked just how Sonny felt, angry at the world, but mostly at the asshole sitting in front of them.

"That's a few too many maybes for me." Heredio folded his arms smugly. "I need a sure thing."

"We can't promise anything."

"Then I don't have any info." Rollins looked ready to punch the guy's lights out when her phone lit up. Never taking her eyes off him, she picked up the phone and held it to her ear.

"Rollins." A muffled noise from the other end, and then she smirked and hung up. "Doesn't matter anymore, Felipe. We don't need you. Have fun doing twenty five years. I hope the five hundred dollars was worth it." She turned to leave and Carisi hurried after her, confused.

"What was that?" He asked, grabbing her by the elbow.

"They got back prints and DNA on the gun. Another BX9 member. Fin's picking him up now. We got 'im, Sonny. We got him."

 

Sonny watched, frozen, through the one-way glass, as Amanda and Fin leaned over Carlos Gonzales, whose prints had been discovered on the gun nearly two hours ago. He had no lawyer with him and hadn't bothered to ask for one. In fact, he hadn't said a word.

"Look, Carlos, we know you shot the DA. We just want to know who put you up to it. You don't have any connections to anyone in Rikers, except former gang connections, and none of the letters sent to him came from you. And, we got a warrant for your bank statements. Five hundred dollars, wired into your account three days ago. So who did it? Tell us, and we'll see if we can cut you a deal." Fin spread his hands amicably.

Nothing.

"Fine. Have fun doing your fifteen years in Rikers for attempted murder." He and Rollins shared a look, then left the room, joining Carisi in the viewing room.

"What now?"

"We tried tracking the payments, but they all came from some shady shell company called _Al Escondite_ LLC. We can't find anything beyond that."

"Damn it. But we can indict Gonzales on the attempted murder charge?"

"Yeah, and O'Dwyer'll go for the maximum penalty. He's screwed. But whoever paid him can pay someone else. We need either him or Heredio to talk. Preferably both."

 _"El Tiro Al Aire."_ Every head in the room snapped towards the interrogation room, where Carlos Gonzales was speaking for the first time that afternoon. Rollins shoved open the door.

"What did you say?"

"His name. _El Tiro Al Aire._ The Loose Cannon."

"Whose name?"

"He paid Heredio to threaten him. He paid me to shoot at him."

"What's his real name, Carlos?"

"I don't know. I knew him back in Chile, though. Never by his real name, but in _Al Escondite,_ he-"

"Wait, _Al Escondite?"_

"The gang we ran with in Chile when we were teenagers. Me and Heredio and _El Tiro._ He led the group."

"What happened?"

"One day he told us he was coming to America. He asked us if we wanted to come with. We didn't at the time, but a few years later-"

"You've seen his face? Can you describe him?"

"Maybe. I haven't seen him since I got to New York. I didn't even know he was here until a few days ago. He called me from a burner cell, told me he could get me good money if I did one hit. I haven't done anything like that, but I have a little girl, she's sick, and I didn't know what else to do." Carlos shook his head, the steely resolve he had earlier completely gone. "He said where the gun would be. He gave me the money an hour before I shot him."

"How did he know where to be?"

"I don't know, _chica,_ I don't know. I just took the shot and ran." Rollins nodded.

"Thank you. We'll talk to the DA, and see if we can get you a deal." Sonny turned to her when she reentered the room, his face fixed with anger.

"Why're you being so nice to him? He shot Rafael, Rollins, he-"

"He has a sick daughter, Carisi. Let me tell you, if Jesse were sick and I needed money to help her, I'd do anything. Including taking a shot at someone."

"That's awful, Amanda."

"But it's true. And it doesn't mean he's innocent, but it means he deserves a chance to help his daughter." Sonny shook his head, ignoring her, and turned to Fin.

"So, _El Tiro Al Aire._ We know anything about this guy?"

"No, nothing. He hasn't come up in any investigations until now. Neither has _Al Escondite."_

"Hide And Seek. So he was paid through a shell company for their former Chilean gang. Can we see if they've made any other payments? Maybe to some of the people we've traced the threats back to?"

"We looked, but there's nothing. The first payment in ten years was to Felipe Heredio, and then to Carlos Gonzales."

"What we really need to know is how _El Tiro_ knew Barba would be at Forlini's that night. The only people there were the squad and Anthony. Maybe if they followed him..." Sonny rambled until Rollins put a hand on his arm to stop him.

"Carisi. Stop. Go home. We'll figure it out, but you should go be with the person who needs you the most." He didn't look happy about it, but he swallowed his pride and nodded.

"Yeah. Sure. Call me if you find anything. _Anything."_

 

Sonny clutched a plastic bag full of Thai takeout in each hand. He kicked open the door with his heel and a warm smile on his face.

"Honey, I'm-" He froze. The smile dropped off his face and the takeout nearly slipped out of his hand. Rafael was mid-laugh at the kitchen counter, a glass of rosé in his hand. Across the counter, standing, also with a glass of rosé, was the much-shorter, hazel-eyed, Spanish-speaking man that Rafael had taken such a shine to recently.

"Sonny! You're home!" The exclamation was less excitement than shock, something that only turned up the anger bubbling in Sonny's chest.

"I am. And apparently, so is Sebastian. Will he be joining us for dinner?" Rafael looked surprised by the sharpness in Sonny's tone.

"I should go, actually." Sebastian finished his wine and set down the glass just as Rafael and Sonny answered simultaneously.

"No-"

"Yes-"

"No, Sebastian. I'll just be a minute. Sonny, a word?" Rafael's words were tense, measured, and the way he managed to seem like he was looking down at Sonny despite being several inches shorter was completely unfamiliar. He'd seen Rafael's condescending second nature before, practically every interaction they had before they started officially dating. This was different, though. That was a kind of manufactured disdain, fabricated to uphold his unyielding image. This was real, born of passion and indignation. In that moment, he really did see himself above Sonny, as the more intelligent and justifiable of the two. He beckoned for Sonny to follow him into the hall, a motion that was Rafael's equivalent of a punch in the gut.

"What the hell is going on with you?" Rafael growled as soon as they were out of earshot.

"Nothing, I just figured we'd be on our own tonight."

"Sorry, I wasn't under the impression that I had to ask permission to have a friend over."

"Okay, what's with the attitude? You're the one actin' all nasty right now."

"I'm being nasty because you've been nothing but a jealous jackass for the last two days, and it's getting on my last nerve." Rafael poked two fingers into Sonny's chest, knocking him off-balance. "I don't know what's going on with you right now, but I don't like it, and I sure as hell don't have to put up with it."

"Seriously, Raf? You don't know what's going on? Oh, right, because there isn't anything going on. Absolutely nothing. Right?"

"That's correct."

"No, that's bull. Come on, Raf, I'm not blind. And I know you aren't either. Y'know, you talk a big game about standing up for the little guy, but as soon as the little guy is just your dumb, boring boyfriend who can't speak Spanish that well and gave up on his dreams in order to help people, and the big guy is someone you've known for two days, but hey- he's handsome, smart, speaks Spanish fluently- is actually someone you don't think you're better than- that all goes out the window. You're so goddamn shallow, Rafael." They remained frozen in place, Sonny leaning against the wall, arms folded, and Rafael, standing firmly in front of him, face contorted in an irate sneer, for a minute before Rafael opened his mouth to speak. Not to Sonny, though.

"Sebastian, _lo siento,_ but I think this is going to take a little bit longer than expected. I'll see you tomorrow, if that's alright."

"That's fine!" Sonny heard Sebastian's voice coming from the kitchen, and he could practically hear the smugness on his face. The door opened, then shut, and immediately, the tension in Rafael's face that was slowly turning it a heated shade of vermilion red came out in a barrage through his mouth.

"Who is this possessive, paranoid, outright delusional person in front of me right now? Because I'll tell you one thing, and that is that this is not the man I fell in love with."

"I'm not paranoid or delusional! And I am the man you fell in love with, but I've never had reason to be jealous before, because _he_ wasn't here before!" Sonny stomped past Rafael and into the kitchen, where he got down a glass and the bottle of whiskey he'd been saving on top of the fridge, then the cabinet crashed shut, nearly shattering the other glasses inside. He poured two or three glasses worth of whiskey and chugged it, then slammed it down on the countertop. "Ever since he showed up, he's done nothing but take passive-aggressive shots at me, and you just sit there and do nothing. So either you've suddenly decided to pick your battles, or-" His voice cracked. "-or you just don't care anymore."

Usually, at such a sign of distress, Rafael would have dropped it to comfort Sonny. Tonight, though, he'd had enough.

"Oh, stop it. The whole 'emotional and sensitive' shtick is just pathetic, Sonny. I'm not the one at fault here. And you know what? If you have a problem with the fact that Sebastian-"

"Don't-" He did.

"-actually bothered to become a lawyer after he passed the bar, that says more about you then it does about him! Really, it just says that you're so insecure, so without self-confidence about your own failings-"

"I didn't fail!"

"You may not have failed the bar, but you were too much of a coward to take a decent job when it was offered to you! You can say it was because you wanted to honor Dodds's memory, or whatever you want, but you knew you might actually be successful for once in your life, and it terrified you."

The two men in the room had very different arguing styles. On one hand, Sonny was all impulse, all emotion, which made him defensive, and an easy target. Rafael, contrarily, had been arguing professionally for over twenty years, and he was proud of his ability to get down to the core of someone, to destroy them from the inside out in court. Unfortunately, it was hard to turn off outside of court, and that's why he wasn't shocked by the astonished, crestfallen look on Sonny's face, the face that made Rafael's stomach drop and his heart feel like it was being torn out of his chest.

"What...why...?" Sonny couldn't quite muster a response for a moment, then the broken expression became one of pure fury, his green eyes no longer icy, but instead, were wide pools of green fire, threatening to burn Rafael into the ground. "What gives you the right? This, Rafael, this is why it's so hard to love you. This is why you haven't had a partner since law school. Not because you're too busy, because you're mean. You're mean, you're cold, you don't care about anyone but yourself, and I don't know why I didn't see it before! You're not misunderstood or hard to read- you're just an asshole!"

"I may be an asshole, but I'm not wrong." With that, the argument was over, just as quickly as it started. Rafael picked up his coat, briefcase, and the stupid bulletproof vest. He only met Sonny's eyes for a brief moment. "I am sorry, Sonny," he muttered. "I'll be at my mother's house." He left, slamming the door behind him. Sonny watched him go, then unleashed a cry of rage and hurt and disappointment, picking up the discarded glass and hurling it at the wall as hard as he could. The sound of glass shards hitting the floor broke him out of his stunned stupor, and he could hardly see through the tears that clouded his eyes.

"Damn it, Rafael. Goddamnit."

 

Meanwhile, outside the building, Rafael was in a similar state, although he'd never cry in public. Russo tapped him on one shoulder, and Rafael turned to face him and a nervous-looking McKinley.

"Hey, Counselor, it's really not safe for you to keep leaving the apartment so often."

"Oh, and I suppose you want me to make your jobs easier?" Russo shrugged.

"Well, yeah."

"Sure, sure. Hey, how's this for easier? You're fired. Go home. I'll be fine."

"We're really not supposed to-"

"I don't care. I really just need to be alone. I'll be fine. I have my gun," he pulled his jacket aside to show the .9mm tucked in his waistband, "and this Kevlar monstrosity. Go home." They looked reluctant, but the look on Rafael's face told them not to budge, and besides, they hadn't slept at home in days.They walked to the squad car parked by the sidewalk and hopped in with an awkward wave goodbye. 

Rafael sighed in relief. He had planned to hail a cab to his mother's apartment in the Bronx, but it was a Thursday, which meant she'd be at bingo right about now. So instead of accidentally being mistaken for a burglar and being shot with his mother's .380, he decided to stop for a drink. He hadn't gotten to finish his rosé, anyways. Besides, he'd always considered himself more of a whiskey man, but Sebastian had showed up bearing gifts of decent wine (which Sonny wouldn't recognize if it bit him in the ass), and he'd thought it was only polite. So maybe there had been something, just a little, tiny, minute something to what Sonny was saying. But how was it his business either way?

"Counselor! I heard about the shooting, and I have to say, I'm glad to see you're okay," Anthony greeted him as he walked in, the dim lights still bright compared to the relative darkness of the street outside.

"I'm fine, Anthony. Whiskey on the rocks, _por favor."_

"Make it two." A voice that had become quite familiar to him in recent days came from a dim corner booth.

"Sebastian."

"Rafael." Rafael picked up their drinks and brought them back to the table. "Got everything worked out with your _guapo?"_ Much like all the other ones, Rafael ignored this slight against Sonny and nodded, staring down into his glass.

"Good. So, what are you doing back here?"

"I don't know. Just wanted another drink, I guess," Rafael lied.

"Me too. It's been a crazy few days. But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you? I can't even imagine-"

"Sebastian, can we not? It seems like I haven't talked about anything other than what happened to me. I'd rather just put it behind me." Rafael swallowed the last of his drink and examined Sebastian, sprawled across from him on the red vinyl, looking as poised as he would had he been pacing across a courtroom before a judge.

"Of course..." Sebastian bit his lip hungrily and leaned forward. "Say, this whiskey's not great. I'm sure I have something much better in my apartment. It's just a couple of blocks from here. Up for a nightcap?" An image of Sonny flashed into Rafael's mind.

And then the words came back to him:

_"This is why it's so hard to love you."_

_"You're mean, you're cold, you don't care about anyone but yourself!"_

_"You're just an asshole!"_

"Always."


	5. A Broken Clock

Sonny probably wouldn’t have slept a wink that night if not for the bottle of whiskey that he finished off after he picked up the shattered remnants of the broken glass. Unfortunately, it left him with a blinding headache and an overwhelming urge to vomit. He thanked God that drunk Sonny was smart enough to close the blinds before he passed out. And, to make matters worse, he had overslept for the first time in years. Kenny sprinted around the apartment, yapping wildly. Sonny groaned and stretched, hearing each vertebra pop, which nauseated him even more. He briefly considered calling in sick and staying in bed all day, but then he remembered that Rafael would probably have to come home to get the last of his stuff, and Sonny had no interest in being there when that happened. He lugged himself out of bed and got dressed before chugging an amount of coffee that would have made Rafael proud. Not that he would have cared. Sebastian probably had much better coffee.

Thinking about Sebastian made Sonny want to chuck his coffee mug across the room like he'd done with the whiskey glass the previous night. He decided against it, opting instead to push both Sebastian and Rafael from his mind and go to work, as much as the rising queasiness in his stomach and pounding of his head begged him not to.

Rollins greeted him with a cheerful smile that quickly faded when she saw the puffy circles around his sunglasses-covered eyes and the lack of swagger in his bowlegged stance.

"Damn, Carisi, you look like crap."

"Yeah, well, I feel like crap, Rollins, so that's that."

"What happened to you, man? You were so happy to leave yesterday and go see...does this have something to do with Barba?" She followed him to his desk and perched on the edge.

"You know, I really, _really_ don't want to talk about it. Like, at all." Amanda held up her hands defensively.

"Sorry, I'll leave you alone. But if you want to talk about it..." She trailed off and walked back to her own desk.

"Carisi, you're late." Benson hardly looked up from the file in her hand.

"Sorry, Lieutenant, I-"

"Doesn't matter. I'm going to go question Gonzales and see if he'll give us the names of any other members of his old gang who made the move here. You want to help?"

"Actually, I think I might not be the best person to do that."

"What? Why?"

"Just...personal stuff."

"Well, if you really feel that way, you can keep going through these threat letters."

"Well-"

"Carisi, if you didn't want to do work, you should've called in sick. Either come question Gonzales with me or go through the letters." Reluctantly, Sonny grabbed the cardboard box of mail. "Good choice." As he began to sift through the box, Fin sauntered over to his desk, arms folded and a quizzical expression on his face.

"You sure you're alright, Carisi? You don't look so good."

"Yeah, fine," Carisi said, not taking his eyes off the envelope in his hands.

"If you say so. It's just that you usually can't wait to get to work catching this guy, especially because of Barba-"

"Look, I don't want to talk about it!" Sonny interrupted in a voice that clearly meant he wanted to talk about it.

"Carisi, come with me." Fin grabbed him lightly by the collar and half-led, half-dragged Carisi into the break room. He pushed Carisi down and into one of the chairs, then sat across from him, arms folded, totally silent. Finally, he spoke. "What happened?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sonny said defiantly.

"Stop it, okay? You've been nothing but sunshine and rainbows since you and Barba moved in together, but right now, you're thunderstorms and sadness. So we're gonna sit here until you tell me what happened." Sonny clenched his jaw and scowled, but he had never won a staring contest in his life.

"I went home last night, I picked up his favorite takeout, it was just going to be a normal night." Sonny chuckled bitterly. "But Sebastian was there, and I just...I lost it. I blew up at Rafael and it went to a bad, _bad_ place. He left, he said he was going to his mom's." He sighed and ran his long fingers over his hair. "I don't know what to do."

"I do." Sonny glanced up, surprised. Fin shrugged and spread his hands. "Look, my ex and I had a lot of problems. One of them was that she was jealous, constantly. When I worked in Narcotics, I was U.C. a lot of the time. She thought I was cheating on her."

"I don't think he's cheating on me, I just think that-"

"Shut up and let me finish, Carisi. It didn't matter how much I told her I wasn't, she was convinced."

"Fine. So, what did you do?"

"Oh, nothing. We got divorced shortly after that. But I figured out what we could've done, that maybe might have saved our marriage. If we had just sat down and tried to talk, no yelling, no getting off-track, just talking about it, everything would've been resolved like that." Fin snapped his fingers to punctuate.

"You know, I hate it when you're right."

"I know. Just like I know that I am right." Fin stood up and offered Sonny a hand up. "Now come on. We got work to do, and I don't think you wanna be yelled at by Liv twice today."

 

To his credit, Sonny thought about what Fin had said. He never made any effort to enact any part of it, but he thought about it. He thought about it a lot. He couldn't see himself sitting down and talking to Rafael. That wasn't what they did. If they fought, which was almost never, it was in total and complete passive-aggressive silence or very brief and very loud screaming matches that worried their neighbors and Kenny. It never ended like this.

"Carisi, any updates?" Olivia snapped Sonny out of his self-pity and sadness stupor.

"Other than my newly-discovered doubt in the future of the human race, no. None of these letters are from any known members of _Al Escondite._ They're just..." Sonny grabbed an envelope off the nearest stack and read aloud. "'Dear ADA Bean Queen- that's just unoriginal- leave New York or face the consequences! You don't want to know what will happen if you don't get your- spelled like 'you are'- coconut ass out of New York.' And this is one of the less graphic ones. But none of them are from any Chilean immigrants."

"Damn. Alright, Carisi, go home. Barba needs you." Sonny rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"Doubtful." But he gathered his things anyway. "Night, guys. I'll see you tomorrow."

 

It would appear to someone who had watched Sonny through his window for that night and the previous one that he made quite a habit of getting very, very drunk. He had exhausted the whiskey (saved for Rafael's birthday later that month) and instead opted for the beer that had been abandoned in the fridge after the last time Sonny made dinner for Amanda. It was cheap and had gone flat a while ago, but it was alcohol, and numbing the pain beat crying in the shower. Two-thirds of the way through the six-pack, he swiveled on his stool and pointed at Kenny.

"You, sir-" he hiccuped "-are an incredibly good boy. Did I ever tell you how good a boy you are?" He slurred. "Man, you'd never abandon me to hang out with some chihuahua named Sebastian, would you?" Kenny yipped in reply. "Exactly." The combination of his garbled words and his drunkenness-enhanced Staten Island accent made it sound like "eh-act-ry."

"Raaa-fiiiiiii..." Sonny sang, his voice tinged with sadness as he used Rafael's nickname, the one he never used because it was reserved for childhood friends and family. "God, Rafa. You asshole." Sonny picked up the framed photo strip from the movie theater arcade that sat on the counter. It was their third official date, and Rafael had dragged Sonny to a supposedly ground-breaking Italian art film, at which Sonny spent the entire three (three!) hour movie making snide comments that Rafael pretended not to laugh at. In retaliation, Sonny pulled Rafael into the photo booth, and picked the stupidest sparkly pastel border he could find. In the first photo, Sonny grinned widely, holding up bunny ears behind Rafael, who remained stone-faced. In the second, Sonny stuck out his tongue and winked. Rafael did nothing. In the third, Sonny leaned in to kiss Rafael on the cheek. Rafael's eyebrow was twitched up in surprise and his face had spread into a shocked yet easy grin. In the fourth, Sonny had leaned in to kiss Rafael's cheek again, but this time, Rafael turned his face to meet Sonny's lips with his own, and this time it was Sonny that looked stunned. It was their first kiss as an actual couple. It was such an easy time, if they'd ever had an easy time together.

"Oh, that stupid movie. Why couldn't we have just gone to the Christmas Die Hard marathon?" Sonny chuckled gloomily. His hair fell into his eyes and he didn't bother to brush it back. His gelled coif was falling apart, just like him. At times like this, there was only one thing left to do: drunken late-night phone calls. He pulled out his phone and almost started to cry when he opened his contacts.

RAFAEL BARBA ICE

In case of emergency.

This was an emergency.

"You've reached ADA Rafael Barba. If you're a client, I don't know how you got this number. If this is personal, leave a message." Sonny groaned.

"If he'd just charge his damn phone every once in a while." And then he remembered Lucia. Two rings in and she picked up.

"Sonny! I wasn't expecting a call, what's this-"

"Lucia, I-" he hiccuped again "-I gotta talk to Rafael. If he's asleep, wake him up. Please." There was a brief pause, and then Lucia spoke again, but it was hesitant.

"Sonny, he's not here. Is he supposed to be?" Sonny froze. Ice water ran through his veins.

"He said he was going to stay with you. He left last night."

"He never said anything to me. Sonny, what's going on? Is everything alright?"

"Maybe. I-I'll call you back, Lucia."

"Wait, Sonny-" He hung up. If Rafael wasn't with his mother, one of two things had happened. Either he had lied to Sonny about where he was going, or something had stopped him before he could get there.


	6. In The Rough

"Sonny? What's up? We weren't supposed to have dinner tonight, were we?" Sonny ignored Amanda and pushed, or more accurately, stumbled into her living room. "Hey, Carisi! What the hell? It's late, man, and I'm tryin' to put Jesse to bed."

"Sorry, sorry, I just..." Sonny was wringing his hands, breathing shakily. "I screwed up, Rollins. I screwed up so bad. And now, now I think-" He was cut off as he started to hyperventilate.

"Whoa, whoa, Sonny, calm down. Calm down." Rollins rubbed slow circles on Sonny's back until his breathing became normal again. "Okay, Sonny, what did you mean when you said you screwed up?" Carisi filled her in on his situation, how he and Rafael had fought, how Rafael had left, how he had called Lucia and discovered Rafael gone.

"He's gone, and I don't know where he is."

"Okay, well, he probably spent the night at his office or something."

"Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe he got mugged and somebody shot him and he bled out in an alley somewhere, or he was kidnapped by one of his attackers, or he's- he's- he's with Sebastian and he's not even thinking about me, and-"

"Shut up, Carisi. All due respect, but freaking out doesn't help you or him. Look, we can't even be sure he's really missing, but I'll tell you what, in the morning, we'll go down to the DA's office and see if he went in yesterday. I'll get Fin to look at his credit card statements. We'll find him, I promise."

 

Sonny slept on Amanda's sofa, then made them breakfast. Cooking took his mind off of Rafael for a time. When he had sausage and eggs in a pan and pancakes on the griddle, he couldn't afford to turn his attention away from the food. For once, he was thankful for his lack of ability to multitask.

"Have I mentioned how much I love having you here?" Rollins said with a yawn as she strolled into the kitchen.

"Not recently, but I appreciate it. Here." He handed her a plate full of food and a glass of orange juice.

"You feelin' any better?" Sonny scoffed.

"You mean about how my boyfriend- sorry, possiby ex-boyfriend- could be missing or dead?"

"Sonny, you can't think like that. For all we know, he slept at his office. We'll find out when we go in later, 'kay?"

"Sure." He picked halfheartedly at his breakfast. She wolfed hers down and grabbed her keys, badge, and jacket from the table by the door.

"If he is missing, time's running. Let's go."

 

Carmen was a frantic mess when Sonny and Amanda arrived and filled her in on the situation.

"No, I haven't seen him. He always calls when he's not going to come in, and he didn't come in this morning either. And you can't find him?"

"Can't find who?" Sonny stiffened as he whirled around to see Sebastian standing behind them. He muscled down a smart-ass comment.

"Rafael. He said he was going to his mother's after you left, but his mother says he isn't there. I don't know where he is. Have you seen him?" His words sounded strangled in his ears.

"No, haven't seen him. Gosh, I hope nothing happened to him. Maybe you should talk to his security guys. I saw them getting coffee outside the precinct yesterday."

"Wait, and they weren't with him?"

"No, they were alone." Sonny slammed a fist down on Carmen's desk.

"God damn it!"

"Look, if you need any help later, give me a call, but right now, I have to get to work. Carmen, call DA Wilde. Tell him that Barba's been absent for two days and will probably continue to be." With that, he pushed open the door of his office- Rafael's office.

"What an ass," Carmen mumbled.

"You got that right, Carmen. Let me know if you hear anything from Rafael, okay?"

"Of course." As he and Amanda left, he rubbed a hand over his face and groaned.

"Oh my God, Rollins. He didn't stay at the office. Where is he?" She pulled out her phone.

"We got nothing from Fin. No credit card use in the last two days. Hardly anything on any traffic or security cams either. Nobody's seen him."

"So he's officially missing."

"...yeah. He is. We can file a report when we get back to the station. We should go. And you should take the day off."

"No. I'm going to find him. It's my fault he's gone, and I'm going to get him back." Rollins shrugged.

"Whatever you have to do. Let's go. We should tell everyone else what happened."

 

"Oh my God, Carisi." Olivia squeezed Sonny's shoulder. "How're you holding up?"

"Not great. It's my fault, and I know that, but I can't afford to beat myself up over it. Not until we find him." Fin slammed a photo of Rafael up onto the case board in the bullpen and stuck a thumbtack in it.

"We're not Missing Persons, but he's one of our people. We gotta find him."

"He's right." Rollins put up another photo. It was a blurry traffic cam shot of Rafael walking down the sidewalk outside of Forlini's. "Look here, he's all by himself. Can somebody hunt down Russo and McKinley and get them in here? Let's find out why they weren't with him. And Carisi, isn't his mom's house up in the Bronx? Why's he going south of Little Italy?"

"Yeah, she is. Maybe he went for a drink before he went up there."

"If he did, let's get over there. See if he talked to someone while he was there. Fin, you keep looking into _Al Escondite._  Everyone, this is time-sensitive! Let's move!" Carisi followed Olivia as she moved towards the door. "Whoa, whoa, Carisi, what are you doing?" _  
_

"I'm coming with you, Lieu. We're goin' to Forlini's and we're gonna find out who did this."

"Fine. Rollins, keep looking through traffic and security cams, keep an eye on his card. If you see anyone with him, cross reference with Chilean immigrants in the last twenty years."

"Gotcha." Olivia pulled the keys out of Sonny's hand.

"I'm driving, and as soon as this starts getting personal, you're going home. Is that clear?"

"Crystal."

 

There was nobody at Forlini's except for Anthony and the one regular drunk, a man the squad called Wino Wally.

"Hey, guys. I didn't take you all for day-drinkers, but to each their own, I guess."

"Sorry, Anthony, but we're not here to drink. We need your help." Olivia planted her hands on the bar.

"What can I do for you?" Anthony set down the glass he was cleaning.

"ADA Barba was in here a couple of nights ago, without his security detail. Did he meet up with anyone, or...?"

"I honestly couldn't tell you. Wally and one of his ex-wives got into a fight, things got physical. It took a long time to break it up. She's an ex-pro wrestler."

"Yikes. No wonder he looks worse than usual."

"Wait, what happened to Barba?"

"He's missing."

"God, missing? Here, come on. You can have a look at the security camera." He led them into a cramped office in a back hallway. "There's not a lot, and the footage is kinda grainy, but maybe it'll help." Olivia sat down in front of the computer.

"Okay, here's Barba. He's wearing his vest, so that's good." They watched as he slid into his usual seat, then turned around to see someone out of view. He picked up two drinks and brought them out of the shot. A few minutes later, he reappeared, followed by another person. The figure's head was turned away from the camera. All they could tell was that it was clearly a man, short and somewhat stocky, with dark hair.

"Damn it. The perp knew where the cameras were. He knew what he was doing." Carisi kicked the door frame. "Damn it!"

"Hey, Detective, watch it!"

"Anthony." Olivia ignored Sonny. "We need to know, was there anyone else here that night?"

"No, just those two, Wally, and Wally's ex."

"Okay, we need to talk to Wally." Anthony chuckled.

"Good luck with that. He's been drunk for a week straight."

"We'll take our chances." Olivia and Sonny went back out into the bar and sat down on either side of Wally. "So, Wally, did you see this man two nights ago?" Wally giggled.

"Tha- that's Counselor Barba, right?" He slurred, poking at the picture.

"Yeah, it is. Did you see him?"

"Maybe? I don't- I don't really know. I'm not sure. Maybe."

"Did you see anyone with him?"

"Yeah, I think so...maybe this tall?" He held up one shaking hand at about 5'4". "Dark hair, beard. Real cute. If you're into that."

"Alright, Wally. Did you see anything else?"

"Just Fiona's elbow comin' at my face, man. Sorry. Ma'am."

"Thanks for your help, Wally." Olivia turned to Sonny.

"Get the info on the ex-wife. Let's see if she saw anything."

 

Outside Fiona Murphy's apartment, Sonny held up a fist to knock on the door, but Olivia put a hand up to stop him.

"One minute, Carisi. Are you sure you're alright to do this?"

"Yeah, fine." But his clearly faked smile betrayed him.

"Sonny. I understand how hard this is. If you need some time-"

"I don't need time!" Sonny blurted. "I just need to find him."

"You've been through a lot in the past few days. All of this with Sebastian and Rafael and the move and what happened to you- it's hard. Really hard. And you haven't really taken any time to figure things out."

"I'll take the time when we've found my boyfriend." Sonny pushed past her and rapped his bony knuckles on the door. Almost immediately, it was yanked open and a woman that looked straight out of an 60s movie. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a heaping purple-dyed beehive and a turtleneck sweater so thick she looked like she was drowning in it.

"Whadyou want?" She slurped loudly from the Diet Coke in her hand.

"Fiona Murphy?"

"That's me."

"We're with the NYPD, and we need to ask you a few questions." Reluctantly, Fiona held open the door and they stepped inside.

"So, Fiona, were you at Forlini's a couple of nights ago with your ex-husband?"

"Wally? Yeah, I was there. Why?"

"We need to ask you something about this man." Olivia held up the photo of Rafael. "Did you see him that night?"

"Him? Oh, yeah, I saw him. He was gettin' real close with this other guy. Frickin' homos." Sonny clenched his jaw and dug his fingernails into his palms.

"Do you think you could describe the other guy to a sketch artist?"

"Sure, but do I have to do it now? WMMA is about to come on."

"DVR it." Olivia grabbed her by one arm and dragged her towards the door. Fiona took a swig of Coke on the way out the door and tossed the can behind her. It missed the recycling by three feet and bounced loudly around Sonny's feet. He groaned and picked it up.

"Frickin' litterers."

 

Sonny stared through the one-way glass into the interview room, where Fiona sat with a sketch artist.

"Hey, Sonny." Rollins poked her head into the room and silently beckoned him out. He followed her into the break room. "Sonny, go home. Seriously. There's nothing you can do for now." Sonny shook his head.

"I'm not leaving."

"God, Sonny, I know you're worried, but there's nothing to be done! We've got it covered. The best thing you can do for Rafael is go home and wait."

"I'm not going home."

"Sonny, why won't you go home? You haven't been home in two days!"

"I can't go home, because he's not there! I can't be alone, Amanda. Not anymore."

Rollins sighed. "Sorry. I forgot. At least go get some sleep in the bunks. Please." Sonny poured a Styrofoam cup of coffee and chugged it.

"Nope. I'm fine, Rollins. I just gotta find Rafael." He made his way back to his desk and plopped down in his seat. He stared at his computer wallpaper. It was a photo from Trieste, Italy, where Sonny's family was from. They had gotten another tourist to take a picture of them standing in front of the waterfall in Val Rosandra. Neither one had expected to go swimming, so they had jumped in in t-shirts and cargo shorts. Sonny's usually gelled hair was soaked and flopped down into his face, and he was leaning down to kiss the top of Rafael's head. A sad grin twitched up the corners of Sonny's mouth. So it came as quite a shock when his phone began to ring, and he jumped, fumbling through his pockets. When he saw the caller ID, his eyes widened.

"Liv! Amanda! Fin! Somebody!" All three of them raced into the room and crowded around him.

"What? What's going on?" His face was ghostly white as he turned his phone so they could see the screen.

RAFAEL BARBA ICE

"Pick it up, pick it up!" Frantically, Sonny pressed the ACCEPT VIDEO CALL button. His heart caught in his throat as the picture formed. Rafael's face was gaunt and pale, and thin purple-black bruises in the shape of fingers were laced around his neck. His eyes flashed back and forth as he cleared his throat. His cold, dark eyes lit up when he saw Sonny.

"Sonny, Sonny, listen-"

"-wait, Rafael-"

"Sonny, shut up and listen. I'm in Sebastian's apartment." Sonny froze. "I met him at the bar. He invited me up to his place for a nightcap, and I swear, Sonny, nothing happened. Nothing. He tried to make a move on me, but I turned him down, so he-" Rafael's voice cracked. "-he tied me to his bed, beat me, and- oh, God, Sonny, I'm so sorry."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry too. Look, we're gonna send some people over there to get you right now, okay? But you stay on the line with me. Just stay with me." Fin and Olivia grabbed their vests and began to strap them on.

"Rafael, how did you get the phone? I thought you said he tied you up?"

"He cuffed me to the bed, but it's just wood. I just managed to pull the bar free. Now look, he comes back here on his lunch breaks, so he'll be here in just a few minutes, but I have something I have to say-"

"Wait, Raf, I need to say something first. I'm so, so sorry. I was stupid, and jealous, and I was wrong, and I just need you to know that."

"I do, I do."

"Okay, so what were you gonna say?" Rafael's eyes glanced away from the screen.

"Damn. That was the elevator. He's on his way up right now."

"You're gonna be okay, Liv and Fin are on their way-"

"Marry me," Rafael interrupted, his voice scratchy and hoarse but still clear.

"What?" The word came out strangled.

"Look, I know I screwed up coming here, but if I get out of here alive, I need you to know that you're the one I love. Marry me."

"Rafael, you're gonna get out of there. You're gonna be okay."

"I don't know that, Sonny." A door slammed in the background. "He's here. Sonny, listen to me. I love you. _Te amo mucho."_

"I love you-" Sonny was cut off by a door slamming open, followed by enraged screaming. There was a loud crash, and the screen went black. Sonny looked back at Olivia and Fin, who were loading their guns. His eyes were rimmed in red, and his lips wobbled, yet he managed to speak clearly.

"Go get him. Now."


	7. Good News/Bad News

"Sebastian Ruiz!" Benson called, knocking loudly on the door. No response. She knocked a few more times. "Open up!" Again, no answer. She looked back and met Fin's eyes. He nodded. She wound up and kicked in the door of apartment 6B, holding her gun out in front of her, her eyes flickering from the kitchen to the living room to the closed door to what she assumed was the bedroom. She approached the door carefully and put her ear to it. Silence. She tested the knob. It was unlocked, so she slowly turned the handle and entered the room, gun first. What she saw made her breath hitch in her throat. A collapsed headboard, toppled by the post that had been ripped out. Silver handcuffs, looped around bloody wrists. A naked body, chest rising and falling shallowly, bruised and bent at odd angles. A smashed cell phone. "Oh, God." Her hand went to her face. Her eyes drifted to the open window. To the fire escape right outside. "Fin! The fire escape! Go!" He stormed past her and hopped out the window. She heard the pounding of footsteps down the metal stairs. "Oh, Rafa." She called 911. "Oh, what has he done to you?"

 When the ambulance arrived, EMTs wrapped Rafael in a sheet and put him on a stretcher. He didn't wake up. His breathing was still hollow and rasping. Before they loaded him into the ambulance, Olivia stopped them. She squeezed Rafael's hand, which was still warm and rough, in stark contrast to the grim dullness on his face. She brushed his hair, limp and unkempt, back and brushed her lips across his forehead.

"You're going to be okay, Rafa." She watched as they loaded him into the ambulance, and then faded into the distance, lights bright and sirens deafening. She got back in her car and called Fin. "Any luck finding him?" Her heart sunk at the hesitant silence on the other end. "Okay, Fin. I'm going to to let DA Wilde know what happened. Can you get Carisi and bring him to the hospital? I'll meet you there in a while, but I'm going to keep looking for Ruiz. Bye."

"Carmen, where's the DA?" Olivia asked as she barged into the DA's office.

"I'm not sure. I think he's still out to lunch with a colleague." Carmen looked concerned. "Why? Did you find Mr. Barba?"

"Yeah, we did. Do you know where Sebastian is? Did he tell you where he was going for lunch?"

"What? No, he didn't, but he's-" Olivia lost interest at that point, because at that very moment, the door to Barba's office opened, and out walked Sebastian Ruiz, a smug grin playing on his face, one that immediately disappeared when he saw her. He dropped the files in his hand and turned to run, but Olivia was faster. She took several long strides to catch up to him and grabbed him by the arm.

"Sebastian Ruiz, you're under arrest for unlawful imprisonment and rape. You have the right to remain silent-"

"What is this? I'm an assistant district attorney! I-"

"Shut it, Ruiz." Olivia pulled the cuffs off her belt and slapped them onto his wrists. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided to you. Of course, you already know all of this, so need I continue?"

"You bitch, I'll sue you! I'll sue the city! This is harassment!"

"No, it isn't. You've been caught, Sebastian."

 

Olivia tossed Sebastian in a holding cell back at the precinct. He'd invoked his right to an attorney, so she couldn't question him anyway. Besides, the man she supposed was her best friend and the closest thing she had to a brother was in the hospital, beaten and unconscious, just after a massive fight with his boyfriend. If there was anywhere in the world she needed to be, it was in that hospital. She found Fin, Rollins, and Carisi in the waiting room. Amanda had her arms wrapped around Sonny, who had his face buried in her shoulder. Rather than bother them, she sat down next to Fin.

"Did anyone call Lucia?" Fin shook his head.

"We figured we'd let you handle it." Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Thanks for that." But she pulled out her phone and made the call. "Lucia? It's Lieutenant Benson."

"Lieutenant, have you found my son?" Lucia's normally chipper voice was upset, bordering on hysterical.

"Yes, Lucia, we have. We're at Bellevue right now. I can call you when he's ready for visitors, or-"

"I'm coming right now. Lieutenant, is he-" she sniffled, breathing shakily. "Is he alright?"

"Maybe. We don't know yet."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Benson."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Barba." Olivia sat back down and looked over at Sonny and Amanda, still clutching each other tightly. "How's he holding up?" Fin shrugged.

"He could be worse, considering, but he's pretty much been like that since I told him what happened."

"I can't even imagine."

"You find Ruiz?"

"Yeah. He was at the office, like nothing happened. Asked for a lawyer almost immediately. I left him to stew for a while. I'm having some other officers look into Ruiz and see if he's connected to any of the threats or _Al Escondite._ It makes me sick, that this guy can swoop in, take his job, screw up his relationship, then do this to him."

"People do horrible things, Liv. And sometimes, they don't have any good reason to do it."

"People suck. It's not news." Olivia looked up to see Rollins had joined them. "Sonny passed out. I figured I'd better let him get some rest." The three of them all glanced over at the sleeping detective.

"He doesn't deserve this. Neither of them did."

"Bad things happen to good people. Also not news."

 

Lucia met them in the waiting room shortly after that. She was met with a hug and as many comforting words as they could manage.  Thankfully, a doctor came soon after she arrived.

"Lucia Barba?" Lucia stood, clutching her purse in her white-knuckled fingers. "Your son is okay. He has several surface cuts and bruises, and..." The doctor glanced at the detectives surrounding Lucia.

"It's fine, you can tell us."

"He shows several signs of sexual trauma. Extensive internal injuries." Lucia sucked in a sharp breath and looked back at Sonny, still asleep.

"Can we see him?"

"Not yet. Within the next half hour or so, though." Lucia nodded and thanked him before going to sit beside Sonny. She shook his shoulder gently. He jerked awake and they exchanged a few words. Olivia watched as Lucia wrapped her arms around Sonny. Usually, she looked anything but frail or old, but right now, she looked like she could collapse at any given moment like a dry leaf. Only about ten minutes later, the doctor returned.

"Mrs. Barba, you can see your son now." Lucia stood, still squeezing Sonny's hand as tightly as she could.

"Excuse me, but he can't come with you. Family only right now, ma'am." Lucia scoffed and got right up in the doctor's face.

"Listen to me. This man is the only person on earth who loves my son as much as I do. He is just as much family to him as I am." The doctor looked uncertain, but nodded.

"Fine. Come with me." They followed him down a hallway and into a room not far from the room Rafael had been in barely two days ago when he was shot. He looked even worse now, but better than the last time Sonny had seen him. He was awake this time, though, and his eyes lit up when he saw his mother.

 _"Mamí."_ She rushed to his side and gingerly kissed the top of his head.

"Oh, _mijo._ What happened to you?"

"I'm okay, I promise." His eyes drifted over to Sonny. "Hi." Sonny offered a quick grin.

"Hi, Rafa. I'm happy you're okay."

"Thanks." Sonny refused to meet his eyes.

"Look, I'll, uh- I'll come back later."

"Oh. Okay." Rafael looked disappointed, but called out to Sonny as he turned to leave. "Wait!" Sonny paused. "I love you." Sonny forced a grim smile and nodded.

"I know."


	8. New To This

Lucia texted Sonny later that night, asking him to bring some of Rafael's stuff. He spent as little time in the apartment as possible. Just gathered the requested items, checked on Kenny's automatic feeder, and left. On a whim, he stopped for takeout. His favorite, not Rafael's. When he arrived at the hospital, Lucia was still in her son's room, conversing quietly with him in rapid Spanish. When she saw Sonny come in, she flashed a grin.

"I'll get out of here. I'll come by tomorrow night, after work. _Te amo,_ Rafi."

"Love you too, _Mamí."_ Rafael kissed his mother goodbye and watched as she slipped past Sonny out of the room, patting his arm gently. Sonny waited until she was gone to set the takeout down on the foldout hospital bed table and the briefcase, jacket, and box of files from the apartment on one of the chairs in the corner. _"Lechon asado._ You know me too well, Sonny." The detective shrugged.

"That's mine. This is yours." Rafael rolled his eyes as Sonny pushed a box of _albondigas_ across the table to him. They ate in silence for a while, the only sounds the soft slurping of Rafael's _cortadito_ and the squeaking of Styrofoam takeout boxes.

"So, I-"

"What the hell, Rafa?" Sonny interrupted. "Sorry. Sorry, just...I know you've been through a lot. I know how awful this is, but we can't just act like everything's normal." Rafael nodded, stabbing at his meatballs.

"I know. And I...God. If I had stayed to talk to you, instead of just walking out, if I hadn't gone back to his apartment..." Rafael shuddered. "But I swear, Sonny, nothing happened. I tried to leave, but then he- he-" Rafael stuttered as tears started to well up in his umber-brown eyes.

"Hey, hey. Shh. It's okay." Without thinking, Sonny pressed his lips to Rafael's forehead. When he pulled back, he left his hand resting on the side of Rafael's face, his thumb tracing down Rafael's jawline. "Look, what you did sucks, but I do get it. And for what it's worth, I was being an ass. Now, so were you." At that, Rafael grinned widely. "But it's not all on you."

"It's not all on you, either. I made a stupid choice that led to another stupid choice that led to another and another. I was pissed, but you deserved better than to be walked out on or cheated on. That's why I stopped him. Why I tried to leave. I was going to go home and tell you I was sorry. I am sorry." Rafael reached out his hand. Sonny looked down at it. He saw every line, every bump, every mark on the skin. He saw a hand he knew as well as his own. A hand that fit perfectly in his own. Like two pieces of the same puzzle, Rafael had said once. When he looked at that hand, their argument faded from memory. Everything did. He slid his own hand into Rafael's and squeezed it. There was only one thing he had left to ask about.

"Rafael, one other thing."

"Hm?"

"Do you remember what you asked me when you called this morning?" Rafael's face resolved itself into a contemplative stare.

"Sonny, can you grab my briefcase?" Sonny looked puzzled, but complied. Rafael grimaced in pain as he dug through it, but he finally found what he was looking for. He pulled out a tiny, square, black leather box.

He used his thumb to flick open the lid of the box and swiveled it around to face Sonny. Sonny's breath caught in his throat when he saw the ring. It was a traditional Italian _fede_ ring, two delicate golden hands clasped together. "I meant what I said, Sonny. I told you if I got out of there, I would marry you. I'm a man of my word." He said nothing else, just raised his eyebrows. Sonny reached for the box and plucked the ring out of its hold. He spun it in his fingers.

"You sure about this?" Rafael chuckled.

"Sonny, I bought this ring three months ago. That's how long I've known I wanted to marry you. And I haven't changed my mind. Not for a second." That was all it took. Sonny slid the ring onto his finger.

"With a proposal like that, how could I say no?" He joked and wrapped an arm gingerly around Rafael's shoulders, leaning down to kiss him gently. When they broke apart, their foreheads still pressed together, Rafael's brow furrowed, and his thumb rubbed slow circles on the back of Sonny's hand.

"Listen, I-I know this doesn't make up for the things I said, but I hope it's a good start." Sonny smiled and raised Rafael's knuckles to his lips.

"It's the best possible way you could start making it up to me." They kissed again, and then Sonny leaned back, poking at his food, his shyness a vast change from his usual confidence and swagger.

"What?" Rafael asked. Sonny shrugged.

"It's just a lot. I guess I hadn't thought about it a lot, but you're the first guy I ever...and now we're engaged. I've never stopped to think that if it weren't for you, I would still be in the closet, going to church every week, asking God to change who I am. Now, I'm still going to church, but I'm thanking God. For bringing me to you." Rafael leaned forwards, placing one hand on either side of Sonny's face.

"You know, I don't believe in God, but if anyone were to be able to change that, it'd be you."

"I don't mind that you're a godless heathen, Rafa. I've got enough faith for the both of us." Rafael chuckled and pushed aside his takeout box.

"I think I deserve some of that." He reached over and stabbed a piece of pork out of Sonny's box.

"You bastard!" Sonny lunged at Rafael, missing the fork as it passed Rafael's lips and instead falling on top of him, one hand planted on the pillow on either side of his face. Grinning, he lowered himself, painfully slowly, until their lips were so close they almost touched. But not quite. "That was mine, you jerk."

"What are you gonna do about it?" Rafael bit his lip to keep a straight face as his eyebrow twitched up, egging Sonny on. Sonny pressed forward, pushing their lips together. Rafael's hands slid up and into his hair, pushing it into his face, and as they grew closer together, Sonny could taste the garlic and citrus and salt on his lips. He pulled one of his legs up onto the bed, over Rafael, pinning Rafael under him. He pulled his arms away and began to wrestle out of his jacket. Before he could start on his tie, though, he noticed Rafael's sharp, choked breathing, the hardly obvious tremors in the hands that were wrapped around his head and back, the hummingbird-fast heartbeat pounding in Rafael's chest. He recognized it immediately, but it was too late.

"You bastard!" Rafael echoed Sonny, but without any of joking element. His eyes blazed with fury as his arms shot out, shoving Sonny off of him. Sonny's head hit the linoleum floor with a crash, and a black streak crossed his eyes. He scrambled to his feet and he could feel warmth trickling down the back of his neck. He backed against the wall, hands up in front of him.

"Rafi, please. This isn't real, babe, you're okay!" Rafael's knuckles connected with Sonny's face, his half-closed fist knocking Sonny off-balance. He caught himself against the wall just in time to duck Rafael's next blow.

"I- Just- Wanted- To- See- My- Boyfriend!" Each word was punctuated by another swing. "You're despicable, Sebastian!" Sonny slid to the floor, holding his arms above his head.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, Rafa! Come on, this isn't real! It's just me! It's just Sonny! We're in the hospital, Rafa!"

"Screw you!"

"I brought you takeout! From Ajuria's! And I didn't get you your favorite because I was mad, but you asked me to marry you, Rafael! And I said yes, because I love you!" Rafael stopped cold. "Rafa, please, it's not real." Sonny reached out hesitantly, wincing as his bruised arms stretched out in front of him. He'd managed to block most of the blows, thankfully, except for the original one that sent him reeling to the floor, where a bloody smear was now drying, and the second one, where Sonny could feel a set of bruises forming on his cheek. Facing no resistance, he laced his fingers with Rafael's and squeezed as hard as he could, knuckles whitening. "You're safe. It's just a dream." With every word, Rafael relaxed a little, until he finally broke down, his forehead falling onto Sonny's shoulder. "Shh. Shh. You're okay," Sonny whispered, stroking Rafael's back as his shoulders racked with sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Sonny, I thought you were him, and..."

"It's my fault, Raf. Stupid, stupid mistake."

"Sonny, it's not your fault. It's..." Rafael flinched. "...it's _his_."

"Damn right it is." But still, Sonny didn't look like he felt any better. He reached to grab his coat, but Rafael grabbed his arm.

"Wait. Stay."

"Stay? But I thought-"

"No, just..." Rafael sighed. "Stay. Please? Just for a little while. Until I fall asleep?" Reluctantly, Sonny nodded and waited as Rafael eased back down into the bed, scooching as far as he could off to one side, before sliding in next to him, curling one arm over Rafael's side, hugging him tightly. "Sonny?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

"Love you too, Rafael. Get some rest. It's been a long day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did as much research as I could on PTSD, but it's probably not 100% accurate ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	9. Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Sonny woke with a start, still in Rafael's hospital room.

"Oh, damn." He lifted his arm as carefully as he could and slid out of the bed, head pounding. The events of the previous night rushed over him as he gingerly prodded at his face, wincing.

"Hey." His head snapped up as Rafael rolled over. His sleepy face creased into worry when he saw the pain so clearly written on Sonny's face. "Do you want some ice? I'm calling a nurse, you need ice-"

"I'm okay." Sonny leaned down and kissed Rafael's forehead. "I'm gonna stop at home before going in to work. I'll get some ice then. Are you gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine. I love you."

"Yeah. Love you too." Sonny grabbed his stuff and left with a minute wave. Rafael flopped back. His hands ached. How screwed up was that? He had freaked out and tried to beat the living crap out of his his boyfriend- fiancé- and it was his hand that hurt. It hadn't been his fault entirely, and he knew that. It was the same thing he'd told Sonny their second night back in Sonny's apartment, when the neighbor's cat had escaped and was wreaking havoc in the halls. Sonny heard the commotion and sat straight up in bed, throwing Rafael's arm off him in a blind panic. He had grabbed the baseball bat that had become a fixture by his front door, and when Rafael chased him out into the hall, trying to reassure him, he'd gotten a swift _whack_ to the cheek with the butt of the bat. Hearing Rafael's cry of pain had been enough to snap Sonny out of it. He'd dropped the bat and rushed Rafael to the hospital. Rafael suspected he'd never quite forgiven himself. He doubted he'd forgive himself either.

"Mr. Barba? How are you this morning?" He was knocked from his thoughts by an unfamiliar woman cracking his door open.

"Fine, fine. Who are you?"

"I'm Dr. Harper. I'm a psychologist. I was sent in to evaluate you this morning. Have you had any anxiety in the last few hours?" She pulled one of the chairs over and sat down, scribbling something on her clipboard.

"No more than usual." He tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Any unusual dreams? Or flashbacks? Blackouts?"

"No, nothing." Dr. Harper glanced down quizzically at his bruised knuckles, already turning purple and green.

"Are you sure?" Rafael refused to meet her eyes. He weighed his options for a moment.

"I was with my fiancé last night, and I blacked out. It was like I could see, but I couldn't really _see._ When I sort of...came to, I guess, he was bleeding. I-" his voice cracked suddenly. "-I hit him. But it wasn't me. Not on purpose." Dr. Harper nodded.

"Mr. Barba, I'd like to talk to you a little bit more. Would you mind coming with me for a moment? I'd like to do a more in-depth analysis."

 

Meanwhile, back at the precinct, Rollins was speaking indistinctly, more or less unheard by Sonny, who was twirling a pencil in his fingers.

"Carisi? Carisi, are you even listening to me?"

"Hm? Oh, sorry. Sorry." He stilled his hands and hesitated for a second before grabbing her by the arm and dragging her after him into the break room.

"What- hey-" Sonny dropped her arm and slammed the door shut, then slid into one of the chairs. "What's going on? You're being so weird-" She was cut off as Sonny reached under the collar of his shirt and pulled out a thin gold chain. Hanging off of that chain was the ring.

"What's that?"

"Rafael proposed." Amanda choked on her breath.

"He what?! Oh my God, Sonny- wait. Why don't you look happy? You should look happy."

"I am. I am. Just..." Sonny groaned. "I want to be, but I'm so mad! But I can't be mad at him, because he was just held hostage and beaten and raped by a psychopath! But he was going to cheat on me with that psychopath! And even though he didn't, and I don't mean to be a victim-blamer here, he did go up to Sebastian's apartment. Presumably with the intent to sleep with him. And cheat on me." Rollins sighed, then stood up and poured two cups of coffee. She pushed one across the table and sipped pensively from her own.

"Sonny, I don't even know what to tell you. Just answer me this, do you want to marry him?"

"More than anything." The resolve on his face matched his voice.

"Then be angry! It's better to be angry now and get all your issues out of the way so you don't have a dark cloud hanging over you. Trust me. I know."

"So, your advice is to go home and yell at my injured, anxiety-riddled fiancé? Great. Cool. Great plan."

"Hey, you asked." Sonny sighed and downed his coffee in a few gulps.

"God, that's awful." Amanda chuckled.

"Whatever, Sonny. I hope you figure it out. In the meantime, Ruiz's lawyer's here. If you want to come watch us interrogate him." Despite himself, Sonny grinned.

"There's nothing I'd rather do."

 

Of course, Sebastian was smart enough not to let anything slip. That had been expected. Rollins and Benson had given up on trying hardly an hour in and joined Sonny in the middle room between the two interrogation rooms.

"Sorry we couldn't get more out of him, Sonny."

"Nah, it's fine. I didn't expect anything else."

"We'll have to squeeze it out of him in court."

"Yeah. Sure." Sonny said distractedly.

"Go home, Carisi."

"Hm?"

"Go. Home." Benson shook his shoulder gently. "You're no good to us if you're preoccupied with other things." For once, Sonny did not object. He simply grabbed his coat from his desk and went home. The messy scene inside the apartment took him by surprise. Boxes were opened everywhere. Stacks of dishes sat on the counter. Miscellaneous clutter crowded the coffee table that had just been assembled. Sonny heard a series of loud _thunks,_ followed by a yelp of pain and a long string of profanity, some in English, some in Spanish. Sonny maneuvered between stacks of boxes and into the bedroom. Books lay sprawled across the burnt orange rug, scattered before a partially assembled bookcase. One of the shelves appeared to have fallen, sending the books tumbling to the floor below. Rafael stood in the middle of them, gathering them in his bare arms. His usual suit and tie had been traded for a tee shirt and gray sweatpants, both of which hung loosely on his newly thin frame. His grimace fell away when he saw Sonny.

"Hey. I got kind of bored, so I started to unpack without you. I hope you don't mind."

"No. I don't." Rafael's brow furrowed at Sonny's somber expression.

"Is everything alright?"

"No," Sonny repeated. "I-I need to say something." Rafael set the books down on top of the bookshelf and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I have something I need to say, too."

"Just listen for a minute, okay?" Rafael opened his mouth like he wanted to say more, but no sound came out. "I just...I'm not over it, Rafael. I tried so hard to get over the fact that you went up to his apartment, even though our whole argument started because of him. I just- I can't. Not yet."

"I know, I know. You're right. And I know that there's nothing I can do to make up for it, but I'm going to try." Sonny groaned.

"God damn it, Rafael! Why are you like this?"

"Like what?"

"You're so goddamn understanding, and kind, and unselfish! It makes it so much harder to be angry! I just want to yell at you, but then I look at you and remember what happened, and it just feels..."

"Wrong."

"Yeah. It seems wrong." Neither one moved for a moment, then Rafael slowly stood up.

"Go ahead."

"What?"

"Be angry."

"I don't-"

"Sonny, I can take it. But I can't deal with you walking on eggshells around me, waiting until I'm better. Because...I don't know if I ever will be better. A psychiatrist came to see me in the hospital this morning. She's recommending that I start seeing a therapist, and that they watch me for signs of PTSD."

"Oh my God, Rafael-"

"Nope. This isn't about me. Not right now. So go, be angry." Rafael spread his hands wide. "Please." Sonny cleared his throat.

"Fine. I'm angry. I'm angry because you went up to Sebastian's apartment intending to cheat on me. And more than that, I'm angry that you wouldn't listen to me in the first place! I told you he was bad news, but no, you're not going to listen to Sonny. I'm just your boyfriend! You don't trust me, and that pisses me off! I trust you implicitly. Why can't you do the same?"

"I can, Sonny, I-"

"And another thing! I'm angry because if you hadn't gone up there, you would be okay! All I want is for you to be okay, and if you hadn't done that, you would." Sonny dropped onto the bed and put his face in his hands. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you. I'm blaming Sebastian. I'm just upset."

"As you should be. And you were...completely right about the rest of it. I wasn't listening to you when you told me Sebastian was going to tear us apart. And then he did. But I do trust you, Sonny. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked you to marry me. Trust me." Rafael wiggled his eyebrows, and Sonny couldn't contain his laughter.

"I've missed this. We haven't been like this since the Munson trial started. Speaking of, I think Harwicke has finally come up with a deal Sebastian will take. If he agrees to cease all threats and attempts to harm you, and pleads to assault two and rape one. He'll go on the registry for a minimum of twenty years, and he'll do time. Ten to twenty."

"And you think he'll take it?"

"I hope so. If this goes to trial..."

"If it goes to trial, you'll kick his ass because my DNA's all over his apartment, his DNA is under my fingernails, and I'm covered in bruises. Clearly, it was not consensual sex. Hardwicke is a competent ADA. And this week, if and when I testify, I will make sure he is put away for good. Sebastian Ruiz and John Warren. They'll make quite a pair in Rikers."

"Ha. Yeah." Sonny stood up and knelt in front of the broken bookcase. "Oh, I see what you did." He held up a tiny piece of metal. "Hand me that screwdriver, would you?" Rafael obliged.

"Do you want any help, or...?"

"No, no. Grab a couple of beers, would you? I wouldn't mind some company." Rafael nodded.

"Sure. And, Sonny?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. For everything." Sonny turned to look up at Rafael.

"Don't thank me. It's the same thing you'd do for me."


	10. Lost

"Barba!" Rafael probably wouldn't have been more shocked to see an actual giraffe dashing diagonally down the courthouse steps towards him than Rita Calhoun. "Barba, hold up!"

"Rita, I swear to god, if you tell me you're defending Sebastian Ruiz-"

"What? Come on, Rafael," Rita uttered breathlessly. "I know I've defended some real bastards, but we used to work together. I'd never do that to you. Two guesses who is, though." Rafael's hand tightened around Sonny's.

"No, no, no, no, no, _no."_

"I'm sorry, am I missing something?" Sonny followed their gaze up the steps to the ornately carved wooden doors of the New York Supreme Court, where a massive figure in a black wool coat stood silhouetted in the rainy May morning. His rather distinctive voice carried down to them, and a shiver ran down Sonny's spine as they approached.

"Counselor Buchanan, how is it that in any case in which my fiancé and I are involved, so are you?" Sonny was thankful for the ruddiness in his cheeks the cool air caused, for it hid the blush that spread across them. That was the first time he'd ever heard Rafael call him his fiancé. Buchanan cocked an eyebrow.

"Fiancé? Congratulations. And to answer your question, I simply represent the people that hire me."

"You weren't there when he was being interrogated by Lieutenant Benson."

"No, Detective, I wasn't. My client fired his previous counsel because they were giving him incompetent advice. I am not."

"I'm sure. We'd better be going, Counselor. Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea seeing us together." Rafael winked and tugged gently at Sonny's arm. Reluctantly, he followed Rafael into the courthouse.

"I can't freakin' believe we're stuck with this guy again. After what he pulled during my case-"

"If he tries something like that again, we'll tear him to shreds. I promise. Trust me?"

"Yeah. I do."

Rafael's hand looped around Sonny's tie. "One last kiss for luck?"

"Absolutely." Sonny leaned down, ready to place a gentle, chaste kiss on Rafael's lips. Instead, Rafael pulled him into a deep embrace, kissing Sonny like they'd never kissed before. Like he'd never be able to kiss him again. When they pulled apart, Rafael squeezed Sonny's hand, feeling the cold metal of the ring wrapped around his freezing fingers.

"I'll see you later."

"Yeah. You will." Reluctantly, Rafael let go of Sonny's hand and walked away. He didn't bother to look back. He knew Sonny was still looking after him.

 

"The people call Rafael Barba to the stand." Rafael's hands were now visibly shaking. He dug his fingers into his palms, steeling himself.  _No mostrar debilidad._ Show no weakness. For once, he took his father's advice. He clenched every muscle in his body, afraid that if he relaxed even slightly, he may collapse. His fingers tapped nervously on his knee under the edge of the box.

"Mr. Barba, I must say, I am very sorry for what happened to you." Rita nodded her head sympathetically.

"Thank you."

"Can you tell me how you ended up in Mr. Ruiz's apartment the night of May eighteenth?"

"Sure." Rafael drew a shaky breath. "My boyfriend, Detective Carisi, and I got into an argument that night. I left and convinced my patrol to go home. I just wanted to be alone. I went down to the bar near the courthouse. When I got there, _Señor_ Ruiz was in a booth. We had a drink together, and he invited me back to his apartment for a nightcap. I should have said no and gone home, but I was too angry and too stubborn, so I said yes."

"And what happened when you got there?" Rafael cleared his throat and his eyes flicked over to the jury box. They were all staring directly at him. He looked at the gallery. One one side, his mother offered him a thin smile. Behind her, all three of Sonny's sisters and their father sat with their arms wrapped around each other. He'd join them soon. At least, he hoped he would.

"We had a couple of drinks. By about midnight, I was seriously regretting my decision to leave and I told Sebastian I wanted to go home, that I should apologize to my boyfriend. He tried to convince me to stay, but I said no, I wanted to go. I was grabbing my coat when he hit me. He bashed my head into the wall and knocked me out. When I woke up, I-" He choked. There was just a glimmer of something in Sebastian's eyes, something ruthless and hateful, something that made Rafael shudder. ANd then he saw his mother. Lucia nodded, almost imperceptibly. He steeled himself and moved on. "When I woke up, I was handcuffed to his bed, naked. Sebastian was on top of me." Quieter, he continued. "He raped me. When he was done, he fell asleep next to me. When he woke up, he went to work. I tried my hardest to break free. My wrists were bleeding. He came back on his lunch break and raped me again. Then he went back to work. He came home and found me trying to escape and he beat me within an inch of my life. The next couple of days went pretty much the exact same way." Rafael pushed up his sleeves to show red welts encircling his wrists. "He held me hostage for almost three days, without food or water, because I wouldn't leave my boyfriend for him."

"Thank you. Nothing further." Rita was excellent at masking her smugness, but Rafael was not quite as confident. Buchanan was up.

 

"Mr. Barba, you said you voluntarily went to my client's apartment?"

"Yes."

"And before doing so, you convinced your security detail to leave?"

"Yes, but that's not-"

"And did you have romantic feelings for my client?"

"Objection, relevance!" Rita interjected before Rafael could answer. He silently thanked God.

"Withdrawn. You had ad an argument with your boyfriend?"

"Yes, and I was upset. I already said all of this." Buchanan ignored him.

"Then I guess I just have one question: how are we supposed to know what happened in that apartment?"

"Excuse me?"

"There's no evidence that what you say is true."

"What do you mean, 'there's no evidence?' Can you not see the bruises? Did you not read the report?"

"Sure I did, but, as I'm sure you're aware, bruises like that can come from consensual, albeit rough, sex."

"These didn't. I promise you."

"And how are we supposed to know that you didn't go to stay with Mr. Ruiz for a few days until your boyfriend calmed down?"

"Because I didn't!"

"All you have is your word, Mr. Barba. You have absolutely nothing else."

"Objection-"

"Withdrawn. So I'll ask again, how are we supposed to know?"

Rafael was silent for a moment. Buchanan chuckled. "That's what I thought. Nothing further."

"Whiskey." He stopped in his tracks.

"What was that, Mr. Barba?"

"Whiskey. It's my drink of choice. In fact, I'm sure you and I have had a glass while discussing a case before."

"Possibly. Why is that important?"

"Because I don't drink whiskey anymore. I can't. Whiskey is what I was drinking at the bar when I met _Señor_ Ruiz. Whiskey is what we drank at his apartment. The taste of whiskey was in my mouth the entire time he was holding me there. And now, I can't stand it." Buchanan narrowed his eyes, but said nothing as he sat down.

"Thank you. You may step down." Judge Barth met Rafael's eyes with her own solemn gaze. His heart sunk. He knew when a case had been lost, and he knew the look well. It was over. He had lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm sorry to say, we're reaching the end of this fic, and I'm so thankful for all of your support. I do have a couple more shorter SVU projects in the works, but I was wondering if you guys would be interested in a third installment in this series? Either a kidfic or a post-19.13? If you have any suggestions/ideas, comment below! Thanks! 
> 
> -C


	11. A Stable Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As I'm sure you saw, this is the second to last chapter :(  
> However, this doesn't have to be the end! If you have any ideas for another Barisi fic, pretty please comment below! I have a couple of short fics in the works, and one idea for a possible sequel (hello, kidfic!), but I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you want another sequel, or have any other ideas, let me know! Thanks so much!

_"I'm so sorry, Rafa."_  The words were muffled, barely even audible. Their little group stood outside the courthouse, almost completely silent. Nobody knew what to say. Finally, Sonny spoke, wrapping one long arm around Rafael's shoulders. 

"Let's go. Let's go, I dunno, get some coffee, or- or a beer, or something-"

"No. I just want to go home." Rafael set his shoulders back and tightened his tie.

"You sure?"

"Yeah- yes. Let's just go." He linked his fingers with Sonny's in a white-knuckled grip. "Come on. I'll see the rest of you...I don't know. Sometime." As they bounded down the courthouse steps, Sonny pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his breast pocket and stuck one between his lips.

"You mind?"

"Depends. Do you want to die of lung cancer?" Sonny groaned and replaced the cigarette in the box.

"Fine." As they walked, they picked up the pace, until Rafael suddenly screeched to a halt in front of Sonny. They had come face-to-face with the man Sonny Carisi had come to equate with the devil, someone he literally could not have hated more if he tried. Sebastian grinned, his dimples deepening.

"Rafael. I truly hope that we can just put this all behind us." Before Rafael could say a word, Sonny stepped protectively in front of him.

"Shut up. Get away from us. And so help me god, if I ever see your face or hear your voice again, you're screwed. Are we clear?" Sebastian chuckled and shook his head.

"Detective, you really, really should be more careful who you threaten." Sebastian started to walk away. "I'll see you around, Counselor. You too, Detective." Sonny sneered after him.

"That absolute son-of-a-"

"Enough, Sonny. There's nothing more to be done. But hopefully he listened to you and we'll never see him again." As they kept walking, Rafael nudged Sonny gently. "You know, I don't know that I'll ever stop needing you to protect me."

"You won't ever have to. I'm here for you. Forever." Sonny placed a gentle kiss on top of Rafael's head, and all at once, the world that had looked gray and bleak a moment ago grew a little more colorful, a little more vibrant. There was a little bit more goodness.

 

The apartment was just the same, too. The stacks of boxes had been significantly depleted in the time Rafael had been gone from work, and it had gone from looking like an empty box to a home. Next to the coffee maker and the TV in the kitchen was all of the kitchen utensils from Sonny's apartment (Rafael had survived on 90% takeout until they had started dating), and in the living room was a stack of classic western movie DVDs from Rafael's vast collection (they had to downsize quite a bit; it was a selection that rivaled even the greatest film buffs). On the sofa was a pair of throw pillows, one with the Italian flag and the other with the Cuban flag emblazoned on them. The most breathtaking addition, however, was the previously blank white wall behind the sofa. On it was every photo that Rafael could find of the two of them together, framed and arranged around the largest frame, which contained a newspaper article from November 23,  the day the Lewis Hodda trial fell apart. Since then, they had retried Hodda and he had gone to prison for a very, very long time. The article was on the front page of the New York Law Journal. It was also plastered with a photo of the two of them on the courthouse steps, looking solemnly forward, their shoulders barely brushing. 

"Holy hell, this looks amazing! If you ever want to stop being an ADA, Raf, you've got a future as an interior designer. I mean, really," Sonny looked around in wonder. "This is just...incredible."

"I just thought that with all that's been going on, actually having a functional apartment might give us some kind of stability. Or the illusion of stability."

"Thank you. I just...God, Rafael, even when you're going through all of this...this messed up, crazy crap, you're still looking out for me. Thank you."

"It's the least I can do, given that you could have left me for what I did. But you didn't. I'm the lucky one here. I've never really had anyone like you. Anyone who has stood by me no matter what."

"I don't know what you mean. I almost gave up on you when you brought Sebastian into our lives."

"You're missing the point. You _almost_ gave up on me. But you didn't. And you're right, I brought Sebastian into our lives. You aren't to blame for that. I am."

"Why do either of us have to be at fault?" Sonny grinned suddenly and spun around. "You were just making the best of a bad situation, and I was just looking out for us. If anyone's to blame, it's that _pendejo._ "

"You know, you're pretty sexy when you speak Spanish." Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny's waist and wiggled his eyebrows as suggestively as he could manage.

"Oh, really?"

"Yep, you're..." He couldn't quite finish the sentence as he yawned so widely, Sonny though he might dislocate his jaw.

"Okay, let's get you to bed. It's been a long few days." Rafael nodded, still yawning. He was barely able to change into his pajamas before he crawled beneath the sheets, exhausted. Before long, he was snoring softly, a wisp of graying black hair hanging loosely between his closed eyes. Asleep, Sonny thought, he looked ten years younger. Sonny watched him sleep for a few minutes before falling asleep himself, one arm draped protectively over Rafael, who was now practically comatose.

 

At precisely 3:14 in the morning, Sonny Carisi awoke to shuffling out in the hall. He checked the foot of the bed, where Kenny was sound asleep, and shook Rafael's shoulder gently.

"Hey. Hey. Wake up. There's someone in the apartment." Rafael's eyes went wide and he nodded silently. Sonny went to the safe in the closet and pulled out his badge and gun. "Stay behind me," he hissed. The pair crept out and into the apartment, which appeared empty. The lights were still off, nothing had been moved. Sonny began to lower his gun when he heard a soft _click_ and felt Rafael freeze up behind him. He whirled around to see Sebastian holding a gun, the barrel of which was pointed directly at Rafael's temple.

"Put down the gun, Detective." Sebastian's face was dark, contorted in rage.

"I'll do that. But you have to put down yours."

"And why would I do that?"

"You won, Sebastian. Isn't that enough? Why kill me?" Rafael's voice wavered, but he held firm.

"I might not have gone to prison, but you think I'll be able to find a job at any law firm, much less a DA's office, once they see what I've been accused of? You took that away from me."

"You took that away from yourself, Sebastian. Put down the gun." Sonny kept his pistol trained at Sebastian's chest. Sebastian tightened his grip around Rafael in response.

"Not a chance in hell," he snarled. "But if you put yours down, I might let you live."

"Let's just talk about this. Please."

"You lost your chance to talk when you arrested me, Detective. You took away the only thing that mattered to me. Now, I'll take the thing that matters to you."

"I'm not going to let you do that."

"Really? And how do you plan to stop me?" Sonny ignored him.

"He doesn't have to," Rafael interjected, and before Sebastian could respond, he grabbed Sebastian's wrist and wrenched it upwards, pointing the gun at the ceiling. Sebastian fired, but it was too late, and the bullet sailed harmlessly into the drywall. Rafael landed a well-placed elbow in Sebastian's stomach and turned to run, to scream, to do something, anything. Unfortunately, Sebastian recovered quickly and grabbed him, forcing him to the ground, a knee digging into Rafael's spine, both of his arms twisted behind him. With a sneer, Sebastian lowered the gun to the back of Rafael's head, cocking it slowly.

"You know, Rafael, we could have been something really great. It's too bad." His finger twitched on the trigger, and there was a deafening blast. Rafael's eyes fluttered open. Heaven looked like...his apartment. Actually, it was decidedly not heaven, judging by the pool of blood slowly growing around him. It wasn't his, though. Rafael rolled over and came face to face with Sebastian, whose skull was partially blown off and appeared to be the source of the blood. Sonny stood over the both of them with the literal smoking gun in his hand.

"Call 9-1-1. Tell them someone broke into our apartment and tried to kill you. I had no choice." Wordlessly, Rafael nodded and went to the landline, one of the only remnants of his old apartment.

Sonny looked around, then at the gun in his hand. He hadn't shot very many people before. Maybe one or two. Never to kill. Hands shaking, he dropped the gun and pulled out his cell. It rang for a while, so long he thought nobody was going to pick up. On the last ring, though, there was a _click_ and a voice.

"Olivia Benson, who are you and why are you calling me right now?"

"Lieutenant, this is Carisi. I, um... Sebastian broke into our apartment. He had a gun. I...he's dead."

"What?"

"He's dead. I shot him, Olivia."

"Oh my... I'll be there in ten. Did you call 9-1-1?"

"Rafael's doing that right now."

"Good. Tell them exactly what happened. It was self defense, right?"

"He was going to kill Rafael, Olivia."

"Jesus. Make it five minutes."

 

Ten minutes later, their apartment was swarming with police officers and CSI techs with cameras. Sonny and Rafael sat outside, wrapped in blankets. They had given statements and would probably have to come into the station later that day, but had been more or less cleared while the death of Sebastian Ruiz was being investigated. Olivia had just returned from the crime scene.

"They're saying it looks like you're telling the truth, that it was self defense. Carisi, you'll have to come into One-P-P, but this was a good shoot. Worst case scenario, two weeks of desk duty, which, frankly, I'm going to give you anyways. You need a break. Both of you. Rafa, if you don't want to go back just yet, I'm sure Wilde would-"

"No. I'm going back. That bastard isn't taking any more from me than he already has." Olivia nodded.

"Okay then. I should get back home, and let Lucy leave. I'll see you both later." She walked off. Rafael yawned and leaned his head on Sonny's shoulder.

"You think we're ever going to have a normal day, or is every day just going to be like this?"

"I don't know. What I do know is that as long as I have you, this is fine. Not great, but fine. We'll be okay, I think."

"You think?"

"I'm not making any promises."


	12. 6 Months Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As I'm sure you saw, this is the last chapter :(  
> However, this doesn't have to be the end! If you have any ideas for another Barisi fic, pretty please comment below! I have a couple of short fics in the works, and one idea for a possible sequel (hello, kidfic!), but I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you want another sequel, or have any other ideas, let me know! Thanks so much!

Sebastian Ruiz was buried on September 2nd. The only people who attended the service were his parents. Everyone else was doing their best to forget he had ever existed. Sonny and Rafael had thrown themselves into wedding planning, which, they realized, was much harder than police work or any grand jury. And yet, it was worth it, because they knew that nothing that came at them could be worse than what they had already been through. More than that, they knew that whatever came at them, they would face together. They would have to.

Everything that went wrong, everything that was out of their hands, it didn't matter. Not anymore. Today was June 16th, the day of the Barba/Carisi wedding at the Loeb Boathouse in Central Park. It was shocking that they had managed to get it, considering that it was the 9th most popular wedding date of all time. Fortunately, they were a couple of connected bastards.

The venue was even more beautiful than either of them could have imagined. Overflowing vases of lavender and green flowers filled the room. So did people. There were a lot, not just family and friends. It was almost everyone they had worked with over the years, and they filled the room to capacity. Since Rafael had no siblings and few good friends, the both of them had forgone someone standing up next to them. Besides, it wasn't like they needed anyone else. Not when they had each other.

Sonny took one last look in the mirror, smoothing his hands over his hair one last time, before turning to Bella, who stood behind him.

"Are you sure I look alright?"

"Yes, Sonny, for the millionth time, you look just fine. Better than fine. You look perfect." She slid her hands into his. "Take a deep breath."

"Yeah. Yeah. Right." Sonny checked his watch. "Only ten more minutes."

"Calm down. I promise, it's not as scary once you're up there." Bella blew a lock of curly blonde hair out of her face just as there was a knock on the door. "Actually, I should have told you to save the calmness. Sit down. We have a surprise for you."

"What? Who's we?" The door opened and in walked Rafael. "Hey, what are you doing here? We're getting married in nine minutes!" Rafael ignored his question and pushed Sonny back into a chair.

"Shush. So, I know how much your family means to you. And I know there was nothing you wanted more than to have all of them here. Including your mom." Sonny's eyes narrowed as he remembered the last time he'd spoken to his mother, when she had stormed out over dinner, breaking Sonny's heart and leaving Rafael to pick up the pieces. "Well, I invited her to come tonight. I don't know if she'll come. I don't even know if she got my voicemail. I just wanted today to be perfect for you, and I know that means having your mother here."

"Seriously? You invited her?"

"Should I not have? I just thought-"

"You're the best." Sonny threw his arms around Rafael, squeezing as hard as he could.

"Thanks. You're crushing my rib cage, but thanks." Sonny finally released him, grinning broadly.

"Let's go get married, shall we?"

 

Rafael could barely breathe as he walked his mother down the aisle. He squeezed her arm with a death grip.

"Rafí, _calmate._ You're going to be fine."

"I know. I know that. But do I _know_ that?"

"Christ. You've got this. And if you don't, I'll throw a smoke grenade."

" _Gracias, Mamí._ "

" _Claro que sí,_ Rafí."

She took her seat and he took his place at the altar. He looked out at the assembly in front of him. On one side was his mother. He had no other family. Just his mother. Next to her was an empty seat, reserved for his _abuela._ She was long gone, but he felt she should still be there. The rest of the seats were his friends, most of them from work, ADAs and cops and judges he'd worked with over the years. On the other side was every single Carisi, and there were dozens. Almost all of them were in attendance today. All except one. His heart sunk as he saw the empty chair in the front row. He silently cursed himself for getting Sonny's hopes up. There was nothing to be done now, though.

A wind quartet struck up a beautiful, flowing arrangement of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The guests immediately silenced, straightening in their chairs. A pair of figures appeared behind them, a father and son. Their walk seemed like it was hours and hours long. Rafael saw the flash of disappointment on Sonny's face when he saw the empty seat. Luckily, he masked it well. Eventually, they reached the end of the aisle. Sonny hugged his father tightly. The older Carisi shook hands with Rafael and then took his seat beside his family. Sonny and Rafael turned to each other. Rafael squeezed Sonny's hands in apology. Sonny just nodded. _"It's fine,"_ the gesture seemed to say.

Elana Barth, who had been honored to officiate, cleared her throat and began.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate one of life's greatest moments, the joining of two hearts. In this ceremony today we will witness the joining Rafael Adrián Barba and Dominick Salvatore Carisi Jr. in marriage. Today we have come together to witness the joining of these two lives. For them, out of the routine of ordinary life, the extraordinary has happened. They met each other, fell in love and are finalizing it with their wedding today. As I'm sure most of you know, these two have not had an easy go of it. They have been through everything life could possibly throw at two people, and they have come out of it all the better for it, because they have each other. No amount of suffering or adversity could come between them now. What the two of you have is so much more than romance. It's true love, the kind that we only see once in a century. The Italian poet Torquato Tasso said, 'True love cannot be fund where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does.' So, despite all of the denials, from the world, those around them, and even themselves could not keep these two apart. With that, I believe you both wrote your own vows?" They nodded. "In that case, I'll let you go first, Detective."

Sonny breathed deeply as steadied his hands, before speaking. "I've never met a person like you before. You're smart, witty, well-dressed, talented, and frankly, kind of a dick. But you're also the kindest, most genuine, least selfish person I've ever met. You do everything for other people, with little thought to how it's going to affect you, which is equal parts infuriating and attractive. You've done so much for me. You helped me come out to my family, you kept me safe when a murderer was after me, you stayed with me when I was injured, and when I was sick. I remember one time I had horrible food poisoning, and you spent the whole weekend with me while I puked my guts out. And even more than that, you tried to bring my family together. _Our_ family. I can't think of anyone else who ever would have done that for me. And no matter what horrible, or confusing, or straight-up weird things happen to us, you stay with me. I couldn't ask for a better man to be standing up here with today." Sonny heard a sniffle, and he noticed for the first time the tears in Rafael's eyes. He reached up and brushed them away with one pale thumb.

"Wow. For once in my life, I'm speechless." A low laugh rumbled throughout the crowd. "I never thought I would get married. I just didn't. I was almost forty-five, I spend almost all of my time at work. And then I met you, and everything changed. Every once in a while, you'll meet a person who changes everything you thought you knew. My life had changed for the better because of you, Sonny- Dominick. if you're going to be my husband, I should probably use your real name. Dominick, I vow to keep being there for you as much as I have, and then some. I know this last year has been tough, to say the least, but there's nobody I'd rather be facing it with. I will be your best friend, even though I'm sure you'll still sometimes think of me as 'that asshole who used to make fun of my law degree.' But above all, I will protect you. You've been my white knight for such a long time. You deserve to have somebody who'll do the same for you. I love you, Dominick Carisi, and I will never stop loving you."

"That was beautiful. I just have one last thing. Rafael and Dominick, I would ask that you always treat yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together today. Give each other your highest priority. When frustration and difficulty assail your marriage- as they do to every relationship at one time or another- focus on what still seems right between you, not only the part that seems wrong. This way, when clouds of trouble hide the sun in your lives and you lose sight of it for a moment, you can remember that the sun is still there. And if each of you will take responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and happiness. Now, let's get to the fun part. Rafael, do you take Dominick to be your husband?"

"I do."

"And do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others and holding only unto him forevermore?" Rafael met Sonny's eyes, which reflected back to him all of the joy and sadness, the frustration and pain, the warmth and affection that they had shared."

"Absolutely, I do." Sonny repeated the sentiments, his eyes at last beginning to shine with tears.

"Wonderful. Now, who's got the rings?" Kenny, the corgi who was now relatively old, his black fur streaked with gray, yipped. Around his neck was a ribbon, and looped on that ribbon were two rings. Rafael bent down to untie the ribbon, scratching behind Kenny's ears.

"You're a good boy, Kenny." Rafael handed the larger of the rings to Sonny with a smile.

"The ring is a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end, no giver and no receiver for each is the giver and each is the receiver. May these rings always remind you of the vows you have taken. Rafael, repeat after me. I, Rafael, take thee, Dominick, to be my husband- To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and sorrow, and I promise my love to you. And with this ring, I take you as my husband, for as long as we both shall live."

"I, Rafael, take thee, Dominick, to be my husband- To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and sorrow, and I promise my love to you. And with this ring, I take you as my husband, for as long as we both shall live." Rafael slid the ring onto Sonny's slim finger, opposite from the gold engagement ring on his right hand.

"Okay, now you, Dominick. I, Dominick, take thee, Rafael, to be my husband- To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and sorrow, and I promise my love to you. And with this ring, I take you as my husband, for as long as we both shall live." The ring was cold against Rafael's finger as Sonny spoke.

"I, Dominick, take thee, Rafael, to be my husband- To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and sorrow, and I promise my love to you. And with this ring, I take you as my husband, for as long as we both shall live."

"To make your relationship work will take love. This is the core of your marriage and why you are here today. It will take trust, to know, that in your hearts, you truly want what is best for each other. It will take dedication, to stay open to one another - and to learn and grow together. It will take faith, to go forward together, without knowing exactly what the future brings. And it will take commitment, to hold true to the journey you both have pledged to today. By the power vested in me I now pronounce you partners for life. You may kiss."

"Don't need to tell me twice," Sonny said with a grin, sliding one hand around the back of Rafael's neck and leaning down to press their lips together. He felt Rafael's warm arms wrap around him. Eventually, they pulled back, turning to face their friends and family with their hands clasped together.

"I present to you all, for the first time as a married couple, Rafael Barba and Dominick Carisi Jr!" A cheer went up as they walked back down the aisle, still hand in hand. They were almost done, but there was still a reception to get to.

 

Cocktail hour had ended, and the guests had been filtered back into the same room where the ceremony had taken place, now reorganized with tables and chairs and a small space cleared out for a dance floor. Given the absence of a maid of honor or a best man, the head table had placecards for their families. Standing outside the door to the reception, they'd barely stopped holding hands.

"You ready?" Sonny asked, squeezing Rafael's hand.

"I am." They pushed the doors open together, smiling as widely as they could manage.

"Please welcome the newlyweds, Rafael and Dominick!" Their DJ was Sonny's cousin's son, whose dad had practically begged them to hire him. The two of them waved. Dancing Queen by ABBA blared in the background. Slowly, the upbeat pop faded into the soft intro to If I Should Fall Behind. Rafael shed his tuxedo jacket, draping it over the back of his chair. Sonny grabbed him by his characteristic suspenders, pulling him in for a gentle kiss, before moving into a waltz position, one hand on Rafael's shoulder and the other intertwined with his fingers. They swayed together, neither one a very good dancer. Sonny ducked under Rafael's arm in a spin, laughing at his own awkward posture. As the song drew to a close, they kissed again.

"I love you," Rafael whispered, who was practically glowing.

"I know."

"Christ, can we just have one nice moment, Dominick? One?" Rafael whacked Sonny playfully in the chest.

"Fine. I love you, too." Finally, they took their seats at the head table, next to their families. Waiters streamed into the room, carrying Cuban salads. Sonny thanked god. He was starving. Unfortunately, he was being forced to mingle. They made the rounds, spending at least five minutes at every table. By the time they returned, they were both exhausted. Neither one was a particularly social person. Unfortunately, they didn't get much time to eat because toasts were starting. Since there was no maid of honor or best man, Luisa Barba began.

"I'll try to keep this short so we can get back to the fun stuff. I am Rafael's mother, and I could not be more proud of him. My son was always more dedicated to work than his relationships. here, though, I can see that this is not the case. Rafael and Dominick have a love that only comes around once in a lifetime. I have never seen a more dedicated, a more loving relationship, and I wish you both the best for your life together. To a long and happy life!" She raised her glass of champagne and sat down. Dominick Carisi Sr. stood.

"My son was always ready to stand up for other people. Not himself, though. If somebody pushed him on the playground, he'd just let them. As soon as somebody pushed one of his friends, though, he was ready to go right there and then, tiny fists swinging. That's how you can tell he really cares about someone. It has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life to watch these two defend each other. I met Rafael during Sonny's trial, and immediately clear how much he loved Sonny. Even if he wouldn't admit it. Rafael, I speak for not only myself, but also Gina, Bella, and Teresa when I say that we already consider you a part of the family. We'll never forget everything you've done for our family. I couldn't ask for a better son-in-law. To Rafael and Sonny!"

"To Rafael and Sonny!" echoed the people surrounding them. To Rafael's surprise, as his father sat, Sonny began to stand.

"I just want to say something. Actually, I have a story to tell. The first time Rafael told me he loved me." Rafael chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Is this necessary?"

"Oh, yeah. So, we'd been together for six months and we were talking about moving in together, even though we basically already lived together. It was a Monday morning, and we both had early meetings. My job is to make the coffee on those mornings, while Raf is in the shower. He legitimately can't function without it. That morning, though, I got distracted and forgot to make it. So, Rafael comes out of the bathroom, looking like he's about to fall asleep, he reaches for the mug, which is sitting on the counter, goes to take a sip, and realizes it's empty. Of course, by that time, he has to leave, so he can't make more. So he just looks at me and says, 'I hate you.' Then he says, 'Kidding. I love you.' And it takes him a second, but he realizes what he's said, and then he's just totally silent, and he picks his briefcase up and leaves. I, of course, thought it was hilarious, but also super sweet. So, at lunch, I show up at his office with coffee, and as I gave it to him, I said, 'I love you, too.' And he just starts panicking, so I kissed him. I was just about to head back to work when he grabs my arm and says, 'Hey. I love you.' That was the moment I knew I wanted to marry you, Rafa. Even if it took two kidnappings and a mailbox full of death threats. I hate you." There was an awkward pause. "Kidding. I love you." Sonny held out his hand. "Now, I think it's time we opened up that dance floor. Hit it, Steve!" Steve, Sonny's nephew, obliged. People poured onto the dance floor, led by Sonny and Rafael, neither of whom knew how to dance. Rafael looked over at his brand-new husband, blue eyes dazzling under the multicolored lights.

"Detective, I think you might just be the best damn thing that ever happened to me." Sonny slipped his arm around Rafael's waist and pulled him close.

"Counselor, I was just about to say the same thing."

And so they danced, rather poorly, under the lights, not knowing what was to come or thinking about what had come before. This was all that mattered. They just had to take life one thing at a time, hour by hour.


End file.
